This afternoon, while trying to decide if I could make it another 5 hours at work without a nap, I started scrolling through my camera roll and came across this little gem I took a picture of before I left for DC at the beginning of this month. It comes courtesy of one of our morning show prep services, but since we’re a terrestrial radio station in a pretty conservative state, there’s just no getting away with telling this story on the air. Like not at all, but my 15 year old boy sense of humor just couldn’t let this one go. So, for the 15 year old boy in all of us, here’s the story of the rudest road trip ever.
British brothers Magnus and Andy Tait recently took a tour of their homeland. However, it was no ordinary road trip as they spent six years mapping out a 2000 mile journey to the country’s rudest locales, from Fanny Street to Butthole Lane. The brothers also visited Titty Ho, Sandyballs, Cockermouth, Penistone, Shitterton, Lickfold, Fingringhoe, Slutshole Lane, Rimswell, and Wetwang. Andy dreamed up the idea after he drove past a place called South Gash , in Northern Scotland and couldn’t help but laugh at the sign. However, Andy said his favorite stop on the journey was Wilsford Cum Lake.
Yeah…that happened…and I laughed almost uncontrollably for about 5 minutes over this one, because as I’ve mentioned, I have the sense of humor of a 15 year old boy, and this road trip puts Utah to shame, where the best we can do to even compete with that is take a trip through the Fillmore Beaver area as we head to St. George, and the fine folks at UDOT have taken ALL of the fun out of that trip by removing Beaver from the road signs until you pass the Fillmore exits.
Richard Cranial time! Think about that one for a second. It’s one of the few ways we can use THAT phrase on the air, and it ALWAYS makes me laugh when the light switches on and someone gets what we’ve been saying all this time.
The story read: Manhattan chef David Kupferstein was enjoying some adult fun at Manhattan’s Hustler Club where he struck up a conversation with one of the dancers. At one point, the dancer told him about how her children were getting in to trouble with the police, to which Kupferstein responded: “It sounds like you are a bad mother.” Kupferstein is now suing the club for $1 million, claiming that the dancer’s ensuing punch to his face knocked out one of his teeth. Kupferstein now says, “I guess it is sort of insulting to tell a woman she is a bad mother.”
My reaction: Thank you Captain Obvious! You probably deserved more than one punch to the face, and I hope you lose your stupid lawsuit.
The not fit for air responses that showed up shortly after:
- “Most strippers are trying to put themselves through school. How old was that woman with kids old enough to get in trouble with the cops? She is stripping to put her kids through collage? (Well…you mean is she, and college, so that’s a good place to start with this argument. Also, perhaps she started young. I mean, kids can get in trouble with the police at a pretty young age. It’s not a stretch to think she could be well under 30 and have kids that were little heathens.)
- I’d have to agree being a single mom myself that if you’re showing off your tits to pay your bills that you’re a bad mom. Leave that occupation to 21yr olds with no kids. (Ok sweetheart, you get bonus points for being able to use your and you’re in their correct forms, but you can just zip it with the mom shaming. As a single mom yourself, you should be able to appreciate the fact that this woman is clearly doing what the hell ever it takes to make sure her kids are provided for. I’m sure she didn’t grow up wanting to be a stripper. Shit happens; you adapt.)
Moral of the story: Maybe being a stripper is likely the very best way this woman could provide for her kids. That doesn’t make her a bad mom. These people would probably think she was a bad mom if she was home with them all day every day because she was living on the welfare system. She’d be a bad mom if she worked a respectable job and the kids were in trouble with the law anyway. Bottom line, the mom shaming has to stop, but in her case, more power to her for having the guts to do whatever she has to do to provide for her kids.
I’ve often thought it’d be far less stressful to just quit my job and be a stripper, but I’m always left with the reality that I’m fat, and I can’t dance, so that’s a career path I won’t ever be taking.
Remember that old Nickelodeon show “You Can’t Do That On Television” where they doused everyone in slime? Just aged myself didn’t I? Well, every time something crosses my path in my radio prep that I can’t share because it’s too late in the morning, or it’s the afternoon, or it’s just too much for ANY time of the day on a show that isn’t on satellite radio where that kind of stuff doesn’t matter, I think “Man, I wish there was somewhere else I could share this.” Well…duh Discovery Channel…I have the PERFECT outlet for that. So, without further adieu, here’s the pilot episode of “You Can’t Say That on the Air.”
How cold is it? Pretty nippy! Dr. Sanjay Acharya of the Maine Medical Center emergency room says they’ve been treating patients for hyperextreme nipple glaciation. In layman’s terms that’s chipped nipples! It only occurs when temperatures drop below 10 degrees Fahrenheit and even bundling up can’t always protect against it. The doctor said, “From a scientific standpoint, there just isn’t enough research into the causes of nipple chippage beyond the fact that it’s colder than a whore’s heart in church.” For someone suffering from such a condition, it’s recommended they get inside and perhaps have a hot toddy or two to get the heart pumping.
Nipple chippage?! Colder than a whore’s heart in church?! Is that colder than a witch’s tit in a brass bra? I mean, according to this, you wouldn’t want to be a witch in a brass bra, because you would apparently be subject to freaking chipped nipples! There is not a world where I can say ANY of that after 630am on a radio station in Utah. Nope…not at all. In the big mouth Snapchat filtered viral words of Heather Land “Nipple chippage…..I ain’t doin’ it.”