You’re cute, but you’re kind of dumb.

You’re cute, but you’re kind of dumb.

I finally gave up on my Galaxy S5 over the weekend. Fortunately, my amazing friends didn’t mind joining me at Best Buy to grab a new one since they had a sweet deal where they give you $300 off on your phone when you purchased it there. Unfortunately, I soon discovered that $300 instant rebate is just a little something they need to give you for the inconvenience of having to set foot in a Best Buy store.

I met with a Samsung representative who gave me the rundown on the differences between the S8 and the S8+, but didn’t know whether or not either one had the option to add a memory card for additional memory. That’s not that big of a deal, since I can google that myself, AND this phone has 4 times the memory of my current phone. In the end, I opted for the S8 because I simply didn’t NEED the extra $150 worth of phone. At this point, my Samsung rep passed me off to a Verizon guy who told me they didn’t have that phone, but was kind enough to call around and see if another Best Buy in the area had it. They did, so off we went to Best Buy number 2.

We were instantly greeted by someone, so I told them what I needed, and waited for a minute while he grabbed my phone, verified identity, activated it and sent me over to the Samsung representative to transfer files from my old phone to my new phone. I mean, I could do it myself, but they have all of the tools to do it, and it should have only taken a few minutes. WRONG!

The guy was hot as can be, so we didn’t mind waiting for a little bit while this so-called expert messed around with the old phone/new phone exchange. He was looking for cables, and finally said “I don’t have the cable I need to do this. We’ll have to do this with the wireless option. It would have been a lot easier if they had you download Smart Switch on your old phone before they shut it off, because the free WiFi here is horrible.”

Umm….First of all, you are literally inside of a Best Buy. I’m guessing there are at least 30 of the cable you need to transfer files from one phone to another for sale less than 50 feet away from the shiny phone display, so there’s that. Instead, I told him “Well, you could just turn on a mobile hotspot with my new phone, and use that to download Smart Switch on my old phone.” He replied “Oh, yeah. I don’t know why I didn’t think of that. I guess you can learn things from your customers.”

Of course it still wasn’t smooth sailing after that, since apparently you must have sufficient memory on the old phone to transfer crap off of it and to the new phone. It makes no sense to me, but whatever. He wasn’t able to transfer everything all at once, so he started going through everything and listing what he didn’t need to do. Call me crazy, but I’m pretty sure you can just complete the transfer process one section at a time, but then he’s the Samsung expert, so what do I know?! Anyway, conversation progressed a little something like this for the next 45 minutes:

  • You have over 2000 contacts. Do you really need all of those? (Well, since they’re saved in my phone, I’m going to go with, yes. Yes, I need those over 2000 contacts transferred over to the new phone.)
  • Do you need ALL of the apps sent to the new phone? You can just download them again from the play store. (Holy shit, why didn’t I think of that?! I had no idea I could get free apps again from the play store. Why would I want you to transfer them from one phone to the next with their passwords and cached data when I could just download them and start again fresh from the play store?!)
  • Do I need to move your pictures too? (Well, they’re saved to the removable memory card, so I suppose that’s not necessary.)
  • How do you have 30,000 text messages on your phone? That’s like 3 years worth of them. Nobody needs to save that many texts. (Fun fact…that’s only about 5-6 months of texts. I have over 2000 contacts in my phone, remember? That’s not an unreal amount of text messages. A lot of them are business related, and yes, I do need them.)

At some point, he just gave up on it, said something about some free classes they were doing next week, and started typing something on his laptop. We sat there for a minute or 2 before I asked him “So, are we done with you?” He said “Well, you can sit here and talk to me until I get off work in an hour if you want, but I’m done with your phone. Don’t forget about the Samsung classes next week. They’re free, so you should come to them.”

I asked, “Do you want me to teach them for you or something?”

He said, “I teach the classes,” with a confused look on his face.

“Ok. Well, I think I’m going to pass, because with the exception of learning how to get Bixby to spit some sick beats, everything that we did to my phone today, I showed YOU how to do. You’re cute and all, but you’re a little dumb when it comes to this phone.” Yeah, I said that out loud. Yes, it was a little mean, but seriously, the Samsung “expert” didn’t know anything about their latest phone release except how to make the digital assistant rap, which was cool, but it didn’t get my files transferred for me. I did that myself in about 10 minutes after leaving the store.

At least they saved me $300 on the phone, if you don’t count the value of my wasted time. They also had a 90’s/early 2000’s Pandora station playing in the store, so it wasn’t entirely a waste. Plus, Bixby does rap better than Siri, so there’s that.

 

 

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On being attractive in rural Utah

On being attractive in rural Utah

After well over a decade of being single, I FINALLY stumbled upon the secret to being attractive in a rural Utah community. It actually has nothing to do with your own appearance, confidence level, astrological sign, or anything else Cosmo, Buzzfeed, Elite Daily, or some random Facebook quiz say either.

Friday night, I was watching the adorable little humans of a couple of my friends. I needed to take 2 of them to another house, and since they are in car seats it’s easier to just trade vehicles than it is to move those dang car seats. Her truck is gorgeous, and worth WAY more than my car, so I definitely get the good end of the deal. It’s not all that outrageous of a thought though. I mean, if she trusts me with her babies, trusting me with her vehicle is a no-brainer. Plus we both have the same insurance agent, so if anything were to happen to either of our vehicles, we’re covered by the best in the business.

This morning, I opened my Facebook messages and did a quick look at the “other” folder. You know, the one where messages get filtered when someone decides they need to talk to you, but since they don’t know your phone number, and you aren’t connected any other way, they can’t contact you in any of the other minimum of 6 ways of contacting someone on their phone without actually having to speak to them. That folder sometimes gives you a notification that you have new messages in it, but most often, as is the case this time, they go there to die waiting for you to think to open it. In this folder was a message from a friend of a friend that read “Hey there. I seen (DAMN IT! *skin crawling* WHY did you have to say “I seen”?!) you driving to Lapoint tonight. We should go get a drink and hang out some time.”

Mmmmmkay.

So in the less than 5 seconds as we passed on the highway, as I was in someone else’s vehicle, someone saw me, knew who I was, AND decided to reach out through social media. There you have it. Apparently the secret to being noticeable and attractive in rural Utah is simply this: you just need to drive a shiny, lifted truck, and bonus points if it’s diesel.

Oops, I tindered again…

Oops, I tindered again…

I’m on a weekend tinder roll lately, and now that I’m back in Utah, the creeps are coming out of the woodwork. Seriously though, it took me hours of swiping to find enough of them to even warrant a blog post while in Minnesota. In Utah though, it was a matter of minutes and it was game over, I’m tired of swiping, and I swear I’m deleting this stupid app. Except I’m not, because it simply can’t be beat for entertainment purposes. In addition to the usual swingers and “when the wife’s away, I do what/who I want” guys that are in abundance in Utah, this weekend’s notable tinder finds:

  • At this point, I’d try dating a chick 21-45 that’s emotionally abusive or looks like a dude. (I completely empathize with this guy. I mean…my standards at this point haven’t raised above “single, employed, non-smoker,” and please for the love of God, make the first move!)
  • Somewhat immature, but in a good way. Love most animals more than some humans. (This guy isn’t a creep…this is just plain honest sentiment, and I totally get it.)
  • Looking for some good clean tasty fun..(I’ll spare you the rest of that bio…and the profile pic that went along with it, but suffice to say, it was definitely a swipe left. There’s someone out there for everyone, but this guy could probably give you an STD just by standing near you.)
  • I don’t like how the conversation dies so quickly here. Try texting me (insert phone number here…he really posted it), and send a pic if you have one. (Well…who the hell doesn’t have one?! Sending it is an entirely different matter.) Oh, and he also had my number 1 tinder annoyance….pictures of tiny humans, and only tiny humans…not a single picture of himself. (STOP putting your children on dating apps people!)

Then there’s the piece de resistance…the one that I looked at and immediately thought “Yep, this one’s worth sharing.”

  • Pianist, organist, trumpeter, vocalist, author, graphic artist, trilingual, champion of yelling “Gooooooooool” for an insane amount of time, circular breather, decent masseur, can roll my tongue and trill my Rs…in short, my fingers, tongue, and breath control factor into my professional life everyday. Why does all this matter? Um, hello…Tinder! ūüėČ All I’m saying is I possess a set of skills that I like to use in other applications other than business. (All I’m saying is there should be an “a” or 2 in that Goooooooool….unless you scream gool instead of goal at soccer games for an insane amount of time. Also, you’re really creepy looking, and I’m concerned for the girls who swipe right just for your breath control and trumpeting skills.)

Here’s something else I noticed about Tinder over the past few weekends. If you’re swiping to find someone who you really want to spend time with, and you’re not just wanting to screenshot some creeps to send them to your friends, or sounds like he’ll murder you in your sleep, or leave with your car and your easy friend, or hates puppies and tacos, you should probably start with an Eric. It doesn’t really matter how it’s spelled, but of all of the profiles I’ve swiped through, there has not been a single Eric who threw out the creeper vibe, and there were lots of Erics. ¬†Swipe right on the Erics.

He’s single too

He’s single too

When you’re single, everyone has the “perfect guy” for you, or so they think, until they just give up on setting you up all together. I’ve had my fair share of potential set ups. They always end with “Maybe you’re just too picky” and me wondering what my friends really think about me. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t really care about being “too picky” or what people think about my singleness. I just find it entertaining the lengths some people will go to in order to “fix” that singleness.

“Hey, I know a great guy that you should date! We’ll all go to lunch together so it isn’t so awkward for you.” Yeah….because nothing is more awkward than a first date like experience with a dude while 3 of your friends and their spouses tag along, but whatever. I went with it. NOT before Facebook stalking the guy and discovering every disturbing thing I possibly could first. BIG mistake!

Here’s what I found….nothing but pictures of him and all of his snakes. So snakes mildly creep me out, but I am TERRIFIED of mice. Seriously terrified of them…in any form. You know how people feed large snakes? With freaking mice. So I already have this image that I can’t shake well before I even have to sit through the awkward lunch. I’m questioning my friend’s judgement on EVERYTHING at this point, but I don’t want to be a total snob, so I went to that awkward lunch. Then I quasi-promised myself that I wouldn’t Facebook stalk anyone again until AFTER a first date, just to give them a more fair shot.

Lunch was uncomfortable to say the least. I mean, I know how to work a room, so conversation wasn’t a problem. The problem was that in addition to this dude either having a freezer full of mice or cages of them to feed his snakes, we literally had NOTHING in common. Not one single thing. Also I was probably just completely biased by my likely completely inaccurate fear that there were rodents lurking somewhere waiting to be fed to giant snakes. At any rate, when that painful hour-ish was over, I paid for my lunch and pretended I needed to rush back to work. Lunch dates are perfect for first dates for this very reason by the way! If it’s going poorly, “Oh darn. Look at the time. I need to get back to work.”

Later that day I got a text from the fixer upper friend that said “So, can I give your number to my friend? He really liked you.” To which I responded, “I’d really rather you didn’t. I just am not interested in the least.” It was followed with a short conversation about why I’m not interested. Then I asked her why she thought we would click, and she responded the way several friends have responded to failed fix ups over the decade that has passed since this mouse/snake debacle. “He’s single too.”

She never tried to set me up with anyone again, which isn’t a problem at all. I deserve more than that. He deserves more than that. Hell, everyone deserves more than “They’re single too.”

Adventures in Tinderland, part deux

Adventures in Tinderland, part deux

As a general rule, I don’t typically have public WTF moments including dudes I’ve seen on Tinder while swiping in my hometown. This guy though…he’s 83 miles away, so that makes him fair game. First of all, there are NO pictures of the guy, and well…I’ll let his bio speak for itself. This is why people hate dating, and why there are so many social media accounts dedicated to making fun of people like this. Enjoy.

Screenshot_2017-04-11-18-02-21-1

Among the other Tinder offenses in this episode:

  • The guy who uses pictures of his kids as his Tinder photos. No, they aren’t just included with him, the photos are ONLY pictures of his kids. Don’t be that person. People like this douche in the picture above are the ones seeing your children.
  • The guy who uses that blue and white silhouette from Facebook and then has no bio at all. Seriously….what kind of people are swiping right on this?!
  • Mr. Inspirational Quote collector: Ok, I get it. The quotes are cool. I actually like one of them a lot, but again, how does this get you swipes at all?! Like what do you actually look like? Because I’m pretty sure it’s there’s not a black box with words on it where your face should be.
  • Dude that uses 5 different pictures of Shrek…I’m going to expect you to be Mike Myers when we match, and you won’t be, so I’ll be disappointed.

 

Finally, major props¬†to the one token guy who can do the funny tinder bio well with “I’m tired of spending time outdoors snowboarding, biking, hunting, fishing, backpacking, snowmobiling, and dirt biking so I’m practicing changing diapers for my future with you!” You should get lots of swipes from girls who want that kind of thing.

And your antiquated opinion is…

And your antiquated opinion is…

you scare people
Friday I realized I’ve been at my “career” for 17 years. It’s a pretty big accomplishment for someone who can’t commit to anything or anyone, although it’s less of an accomplishment when you consider that change is even more of a commitment than staying with something that is good enough. I mentioned this work anniversary to a friend of mine who responded “Oh goodness, you’ve sold your youth to a job and a child. Why would you do that? Your best days are behind you.” Wow, what an antiquated opinion!

Consequently, what I did was feel sorry for myself for a good chunk of the weekend. I mean, I had some great moments with friends and family, but I also had a LOT of down time by myself. During that down time, there was no way to get those words out of my head. Your best days are behind you. Oh yeah, and that was coupled with “you should have made more of an effort to find someone to take care of you so you wouldn’t be alone.” (Talk about kicking a girl while she’s down!!) I mean, I love my friends for their bluntness and honest opinions, but this was a little harsh even by my standards, and I couldn’t shake it all weekend.

You shouldn’t have to empty nest as a single parent while you’re still paying off the mountain of debt resulting from raising said child completely alone. Really, you shouldn’t. It sucks.

Thanks in part to TV and movies, this is not what I had pictured at all. Here’s what’s supposed to happen. Your children either grow up perfect despite everything they have going against them, or they have their small problems, hate you for a little bit, and then straighten up and realize that they had the best mom (or dad) ever and appreciate the sacrifices you made for them. That’s what’s SUPPOSED to happen.

Along the way, you’re supposed to find someone who thinks you’re the greatest thing on the face of the Earth and they just want to be with you. They’re over the moon happy to be included in your world, and your kid is just another part of that. They help you with those issues that come up, or celebrate the perfect kid that you have. Then when said kid graduates high school and college, they thank their parent, and the one who became a parent when they didn’t have to. Said kid moves on with their life, and you’re left to relax and enjoy each other’s company without daily parenting challenges. That’s what’s SUPPOSED to happen.

You’re not supposed to be 37 years old with a kid who dropped out of high school becoming a statistic, but not of the Hallmark channel variety. You’re not supposed to wonder where he is and if he’s ok because he moved out rather than clean up after himself and go to school. You’re not supposed to want to simultaneously¬†slap him in the face, but also be glad he’s alive when he wakes you up coming in the house at 2am to grab a hoodie because it’s cold and then says “Bye Mom, I love you” before he leaves again.¬†You’re not supposed to see pictures of all of your friend’s kids going to the prom that your kid isn’t attending and cry to yourself wondering where you went so horribly wrong.

You’re not supposed to have to rely so heavily on your friends who often know just when you need a break from your reality and offer it in a way that you just can’t resist. You’re not supposed to be so excited at a text that says “Let’s grab a coffee today” and you’re definitely not supposed to get all emotional about a text that says “I freaking love you!! Just wanted to let you know!” You’re not supposed to wonder what the hell is going on when one of the few people who gets you doesn’t text back anymore. You’re not supposed to wish you could have that Hollywood ending, and at the same time hate that you wish that Hollywood ending could be a reality.

There’s a whole world of things that should have been different, and would have been different if this was Hollywood and I was being played by Angelina Jolie, although, even in Hollywood, I’d end up being “Girl Interrupted” Angelina and not Laura Croft. This isn’t Hollywood though, and contrary to this person’s belief, my best days are indeed NOT behind me, and even considering all of the things that are “supposed to happen” and didn’t, I’ve done a damn decent job taking care of things myself, thank you very much.

So you think casual drinks are a thing

So you think casual drinks are a thing

coffeeCall me crazy (you wouldn’t be the first), but I was under the impression one could go grab a drink (caffeinated, alcoholic, or otherwise) with a friend without it being a big deal. Holy crap, was I ever wrong about that one. Turns out if your friends don’t have the same parts in their pants as you do, it’s more complicated than that. I don’t get it. I’ve literally known some of these people for years, decades even, and we can text, tweet, instagram, facebook, and snapchat to our heart’s content and it’s not a problem at all, but suggest chatting IRL, and something like this unfolds.

  • Me: Hey, let’s go grab a drink and chat. Wanna get a coffee later?
  • Them: I’m kind of in a relationship right now.
  • Me: Um…Ok, so am I….with coffee…and I was just wondering if you wanted to get together for a quick threesome.

Ok, maybe I don’t really throw that coffee threesome line out every single time, but I have used it before, and I still don’t get it. Since when did “Let’s go have a drink” become “I think you’re the love of my life and we should be together forever”? It’s a drink…with a friend. Is this just a Utah thing? Perhaps. I mean I know people who live here that are capable of understanding that drinks among friends aren’t an undying declaration of love, but as it turns out, those people have ventured outside of Utah as well.

So you think casual drinks are a thing? Well they are, unless you’ve spent a little too much time in the Beehive State. Eventually we’ll catch up with the times, but until then, apparently casual drinks are only for same sex friends, and other “outsiders” who realize that you can have coffee without commitment.