Dating advice from the serial single…OR…You don’t turn down a date to a football game.

Dating advice from the serial single…OR…You don’t turn down a date to a football game.

I had quite the text message exchange with a friend who was looking for some dating advice today. It went a little like this:

Friend: Hey, I met this guy. He seems pretty cool and he wants me to go to a football game with him this weekend.
Me: Not that it matters, but met him, met him or Tinder met him?
Friend: Tinder met him.
Me: Tell me more about the football game?
Friend: It’s the one in Salt Lake.
Me: Ahh…So he wants to take you to the Utes game at Rice Eccles tomorrow?
Friend: Yeah. That’s the one. He said he has tickets on like the 50 yard line. Are those good? I just don’t know if I WANT to go to the football game.
Me: *in complete disbelief of that luck* Where exactly on the 50 yard line?
Friend: Like the 5th row or something.
Me: 5th row down from the top, or up from the field?
Friend: Up from the field. Why, are those good tickets?
Me: Why exactly do you not want to go to the game?
Friend: I just don’t know if I like him enough to spend the time tailgating and at the game with him.
Me: What about him do you not like enough to spend that kind of time with him?
Friend: Well….he’s really fun to talk to, and I know it sounds shallow, but I don’t really think he’s all that cute.
Me: As shallow as it sounds, with tickets like that at Rice Eccles, he doesn’t have to be. Besides, you swiped right, and didn’t un-match with him, so there’s that.
Friend: I don’t know why I ask you for dating advice.
Me: Either do I. Go to the game.
Friend: What if I REALLY can’t stand him after the tailgating? Can I just leave then?
Me: No. But you can change in to purple and cheer for UW, thank him for the freaking amazing ticket to the game, and tell him you have a friend with much better taste if he needs someone to go to the USC or Oregon games with him.
Friend: You suck.
Me: Not for free ๐Ÿ˜‰
Friend: I should have known you’d say that. I’ll snap you from the game.

This is why you don’t ask your smart ass single friend for dating advice. Or maybe any advice really….

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Confessions

Confessions

These are my confessions, just when I thought I said all I can say…. Just kidding…I’m not Usher, and I have no chick on the side that’s got one on the way, but I do have some random confessions from the past few weeks nonetheless.

  • A couple of weeks ago, I had THE best weekend at a music festival with one of my favorite humans. Coming back to the reality where I don’t get to hang out with this guy every day, live in a hotel, eat pho, go to kick ass concerts, and other unmentionables was mother f-wording brutal. My mental health took one hell of a hit when I had to return to being an adult.
  • After a week of adulting bullshit, I hit a local bar with one of my very oldest friends. She wanted to go, I didn’t want to be around people that I know, but I shut that anxiety ridden portion up with a quick shot of tequila.
  • This weekend was the first time in my entire life that I didn’t have to pay for any of my drinks at a bar, and not just because my friends were paying this time. Total strangers paid for most of my drinks. I had to turn drinks down because I was the one driving. So, this is what it’s like for pretty girls. Not a bad feeling. I’m glad I could be an imposter for the night…although I could have lived without the “I just did a shot with the chick from X94” declaration…
  • One such stranger decided to hang out with us all night. I’m 100% unsure on the etiquette surrounding someone who drops $5 on a vodka soda for you because he’s trying to get in your friend’s pants, so we just chilled with the dude and some other random people until last call.
  • I felt ZERO shame when I wouldn’t let vodka soda dude physically drag me out on the dance floor, listened to his comments about how surprisingly strong I was, and then left him in the dust when the DJ dropped the Cupid Shuffle. C’mon….it’s like the Macarena…one doesn’t just stand around when that’s playing. You get your ass to the dance floor.
  • Met some guys from Texas….momentairly broke their hearts when I asked how they manage to live in Utah without Whataburger. Made up for it by offering to make fun of their enemies on the air.
  • Refrained from laughing when vodka soda guy tried to get me to drink more so he could take my friend and me home. Yeah….sorry friend. My liver is a champion, and 4 drinks over 4 hours isn’t leaving me stranded in a bar. Did you notice how I kept funneling your drinks to my BFF? It was my night to be the responsible one, even if those goosebumps were proof that my body betrayed me when you decided you were going to grab my ass and pull my hair.
  • Decided I felt a little too old and had an equally old friend play Jr. High with me. Good news…the boy I had her talk to for me is single. Bad news….in this stupid backwards state, “Do you want to grab a drink with me” apparently means “I love you and we should get married tonight,” and not the “hey, we should just get a drink and catch up” that it means in the rest of the civilized world, so yeah….that probably won’t go anywhere, but it was fun to be 14 years old again for a minute.
  • Met (OK….matched on Tinder, whatever) a ridiculously cool guy and had some pretty amazing conversations with him for about 4 days. The guy challenged me mentally. That’s a difficult task. He also knew the damn difference between your and you’re, which is apparently a lost art. He told me he hated me for where I live, so that’s where that went. (Don’t get pissed at him….It’s a valid concern!)
  • A freaking meme I saw on Facebook made me realize I tripped in to some feelings. That hit me like a ton of damn bricks. I’m still not sure how I feel about that. I keep trying to brush them off, but they’re like glitter and they get freaking everywhere. Wanna know what it said? Here it is: “I have to be honest with you. I think about you a lot. All the time actually. In the morning, at night, in the middle of the day. It’s you. It’s just always you.” Shit…. Also, it’s not about the recent Tinder guy. Yeah, I know I live in Utah, but unlike the vast majority of the state, I am perfectly capable of having coffee with a guy without thinking that means we’re now in a committed relationship.
  • The kid is back home. I have no idea how long it will last, but I just about lost my shit when I told him to take the trash out and he told me “I worked 13 hours today, and I don’t need your attitude.” Um….excuse me, but last I checked, this was my house, and for the record, I worked 16 hours, so take the effing trash out and pick your pants up off the kitchen floor. (One of us may die, and my life insurance policy is worth more, so if I come up missing, y’all know what happened. Joke’s on him though; he’s not listed as the beneficiary!)
  • Did you notice the kid told me he worked 13 hours? Yeah….one of my friends took pity on him again. I hope he doesn’t mess this one up. I’m running out of local friends; especially ones that might take pity on the lost soul that is my kid…
  • I managed to make it 10 days without washing my hair. I didn’t need dry shampoo at all. I only washed it on Sunday morning because I smelled like the bar. I still am not certain whether it was the shitty mental health, or the 16 hour days at work that made the task so daunting. I’m also 100% unclear whether I should be impressed that I didn’t need to wash the green mess for that long, or if should be a little concerned that I was OK waiting that long to wash it…
Have you tried online dating?

Have you tried online dating?

“You’re such a nice girl, and so involved in the community. It’s not like you’re sitting at home hiding from the boys. I don’t know why someone hasn’t just snatched you up yet. Have you tried online dating?”

Ahh….married people….don’t you just love them? No, I’m not just sitting at home hiding from the boys, but given what seems to be out there, I might be better off that way. Yes, I’m sure I’m not a lesbian too. Yes, it’s because I like boys far too much, but it’s also because I don’t really see the need to be shot down by two genders. As to the question of “have you tried online dating?” Holy shit, why didn’t I think of that?! Of course I’ve tried online dating. I mean I haven’t for a while, but I can tell you, I am THE BEST at getting friend-zoned when it comes to online dating.ย  I mean, I have no complaints about that; these guys are some of the coolest people I know. Still, after my sweet married friend who simply can’t believe how I’m still single asked the question, I had to take a look again today. May I present to you the viable “options” in online dating today…
PhotoGrid_1529967496640.jpgThanks, but no thanks. I think I’d rather submit my application to become a nun…. Ok, not really on that whole “get thee to a nunnery” bit. I’m gonna take a hard pass on celibacy, but in the infamous words of Ms. Cher Horowitz, “You see how picky I am about my shoes, and they only go on my feet.”

 

So that happened…

So that happened…

I think I already need a new, new dermatologist. Why? Because skin cancer is a big deal, and when one starts going through risk factors, I light them up like a Christmas tree.

  • Fair skin that burns easily, check
  • Tanning bed use, particularly before the age of 30, check
  • Blue eyes, check
  • Freckles and moles, check
  • History of sun burns early in life, Check, check, checkity check.

But why the new, new dermatologist? Well, I’m not all that fond of the ONLY local option, so I’ve mostly relied on self checks, and having my family practice doctor remove any concerning spots, but I really need some help from an actual professional in the form of some annual mole mapping to more effectively check for any changes that could be concerning. I mean, I’m a little bit flexible, but I still can’t see my back well enough to be confident that there’s nothing serious going on back there, and there’s nobody looking at my back on the regular for me.

I asked some friends for recommendations on who they go to, did some research, and found a practice that is covered by my insurance, AND schedules Saturday office hours once a month so I don’t have to take time off work. #winning Here’s where it gets awkward though.

A few weeks ago, I was having drinks with this guy out of town. He was cool, but I was heading out with some friends later, so I declined his invitation to go back to his place. I’m still not sure if that had more to do with the fact I was going out with friends, or if it was because 2 days before that, I got low key slut shamed (for absolutely no reason, btw) by some arrogant asshole who poses as a friend, but the fact of the matter, remains that I didn’t go home with the guy.

Monday I got the calendar reminder of my appointment this Saturday morning, with the name of the doctor I’m seeing. You know where this is going…I looked him up…he’s the guy from the bar…the one I didn’t go home with. The one I probably should have gone home with, because now, if I don’t cancel my appointment and find a new, new dermatologist, only one of us is getting naked, nobody is going to enjoy it, and I’m going to have to pay for it.

 

I’m just looking for someone to buy me a Bentley: an experiment in online dating.

I’m just looking for someone to buy me a Bentley: an experiment in online dating.

A while ago (ok, it was on my birthday this year), I received a text that said “You should reward and pamper yourself. Spend the whole day in bed. You don’t look like you’re 38 at all, at most 34. Go find a boyfriend. Maybe try online dating. Don’t just immerse yourself earning money.” (Hey…immerse myself in earning money is a bit harsh. I’m just doing what it takes to pay the bills, and unfortunately this means working all the damn time, so there’s that.) Why though? This was in response to me telling this person that I was celebrating my birthday by working, just like any normal Friday, because I’m not 12 and I’d rather not acknowledge the fact that I’m old. That spending the whole day in bed did sound appealing though!

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I can’t even count the number of times I’ve heard some variation of “have you ever considered online dating,” or “maybe you need to lower your standards a little bit,” or “maybe if you looked outside of the area with one of those apps you’d have better luck.” Thanks…I get it, but you know what? I’m not Jerry Maguire, and I don’t REALLY need anyone to complete me. I’ve been single for a while now. It’s working out pretty well. Like…I think I’m the one, although it wouldn’t be all bad to have someone to join in on that whole spend the whole day (or 20 minutes or so on the regular) in bed advice. ๐Ÿ˜‰ ๐Ÿ˜‰

What she didn’t know though, was I was already trying online dating. I mean, not for finding a boyfriend, because the thought of actively trying to do that is overwhelmingly daunting. I mean, last time someone asked me what I was looking for in a relationship, I told them “Someone I’m comfortable enough around that the relationship happens before I realize I’m in one. It’s best if I don’t realize I tripped in to some feelings until it’s too late to just brush that shit off.” They slapped me, I laughed, and that was the end of it. Still, I was already messing around with online dating simply so I could answer the question “What are you looking for here” with “TBH, I’m just looking for someone to buy me a Bentley,” and so began a whole slew of instant unmatches, and some rather fantastic responses.

  • You’re worth a Geo Metro at best.
  • What if I just give you my Bentley?
  • You realize that’s like a quarter of a million for a car don’t you?
  • Wanna leak a sex tape with me? It worked for Kim Kardashian.
  • How about unlimited rides on my disco stick instead? (Throwing down the Lady Gaga reference…good one.)
  • I hope you’re not serious, because there’s no world where you or any chick is worth a Bentley!
  • What color would you like, and are you comfortable “working it off” at the going rate? ๐Ÿ˜‰ ๐Ÿ˜‰
  • I named my d!ck “Bentley” just for you. (This came several times, along with a shit ton of unsolicited pictures.)

One of my very personal favorites though: “I’m gonna need to see a topless picture first.” Yeah…let me get right on that….

I’m just looking for someone to buy me a Bentley. I’m really not, but I wouldn’t turn one down either, provided it came with the insurance prepaid too, and a new house to park it at. I mean, I’m not looking for someone to “complete me” but I’d sell my soul if the price was right…

 

New Town, New Tinder Adventures

New Town, New Tinder Adventures

Last week was my birthday. I don’t typically even like to acknowledge the fact that I’m getting old, much less celebrate it, but this year was different, only because we used it as an excuse for an epic girls getaway. Well, as epic as a girls getaway can get when you have 30 hours available for it anyway. Still, it was amazing. We ate the most delicious food, enjoyed some wine tastings, did some winter hiking in the Colorado National Monument, and just left feeling completely restored and rested.

Actually, the other two-thirds of our trio was rested, I was dealing with some wicked insomnia and took the opportunity to tinder in a new state instead. I learned something new while tindering in Colorado though. Apparently smoking copious amounts of marijuana makes me hot AF! Let me clarify this, I wasn’t smoking copious amounts of marijuana, but rather these guys who smoke copious amounts of the stuff think I am, in their words:

  • A-Fucking-Dorable
  • Holy shit, you’re hot
  • The only way you’re a solid 2 is if this is on a scale of 0-1
  • Can you move here already?
  • I’d go Harvey Weinstein on you
  • 10/10 would smash
  • I bet you never pay for your own drinks (Fun fact: no guy has EVER paid for my drinks at a bar.)
  • I’d let you come home with me, and I don’t sleep with ugly women

Cool huh? So the THC level in your body directly affects my attractiveness. Nice. Actually, I already had my assumptions on this one, thanks to the year 2016, but I was 100% good with this theory NOT being confirmed.

Still, it’s good to know that if I need a quick boost to the old self-esteem, all I need to do is tinder in Colorado, except none of that nonsense means ANYTHING to me. I mean, sure it’s fun to hear (maybe not the Harvey Weinstein comment from a stranger though; that’s a little rapey), but it literally means nothing. Why? Because I don’t believe a word of it. You can say whatever you want about my appearance, and I won’t believe you mean it, because I don’t see it, and I’m going to write it off thinking you’re drunk, high, delusional, or desperate.

Want to know how to REALLY get inside my head? How to tell me something that I’m going to believe? Here are two of the BEST compliments I’ve ever received:

  • You are definitely not the typical *insert small town I live in* girl.
  • Youโ€™re not a typical person. Male or otherwise. Not many people Iโ€™ve ever come across understand the world in a clear way like you. No matter how you joke, it seems reality doesnโ€™t escape you, which I believe to be a very, very rare thing.

Both of these compliments came from people who really don’t know much about me. I mean, they have a slight advantage over these people from tinder, and the dude from the bar, who throw out their pick up lines after a few minutes of back and forth messages or chatting, but these two compliments are MILES above the comments about my appearance, and I think I can speak for most girls when I say, if you want to make a lasting impression, don’t compliment my appearance, because I won’t believe it. Compliment my character or my mind, because I am brilliant, and I’ll appreciate that you notice that.

I took a tinder hiatus

I took a tinder hiatus

I took a little tinder hiatus. It didn’t last long though, because as luck would have it, I often have nothing better to do than mindlessly swipe. Yeah, I know, the house still needs cleaning, but is that REALLY better than mindlessly swiping? No, it’s not. I also let a few of my friends in on the swiping action, which may or may not have been a HUGE mistake, since I got some insanely strange matches out of their swiping.

The good, bad, and ugly (OK, there really isn’t any ugly, because my friends have insanely good taste in dudes) from the latest group effort in tinder matching, complete with their original grammar and spelling:

  • I’m just going to start by saying… I strip for money. And by money I mean free… and by strip I mean I like burritos. So needless to say… do you like burritos? (I mean, burritos aren’t exactly tacos or pho, but they’re a solid choice. Dude seems cool enough.)
  • I’m reading a book I just found. It’s kind of a psychological fast paced thriller called Green Eggs and Ham. It is about a diabolical little bastard named Sam I Am who keeps trying to ambush the main character and make him eat green eggs and ham even though the main character does not like them. It is very fast paced and it definitely has caught my attention. I can’t put the book down. I give it 4.5 stars. Highly recommended. It is written by one Dr. Theodore Seuss if you want to look it up. (I actually want to just go do shots with this sarcastic SOB. I feel like we could be great bitchy friends.)
  • I excel in killing spiders for helpless single women. Take a chance on me and I’ll surprise you. (I see why my spider hating friend swiped on this guy, so she can have this one, and I’ll continue to just kill my own spiders.)
  • Liker of things, doer of stuff. Breakfast foods are the best foods. (Yes, breakfast foods ARE the best foods! Sold!)
  • Dress normally and don’t have your septum pierced. I love st maarten, firearms, and the military. Let’s go to Ruth’s Chris. (Well….there’s a good way to flaunt your money without actually coming right out and saying it.)
  • Single Dad to a 10-year-old human. Here to date, not bang randalandoms (weird I know). (Ok…actually, I know you, and you’re a giant jackass, and you are too there to “bang randalandoms” but you keep telling yourself that you’re not if that’s what helps you sleep at night.)
  • Shaved beard; currently too hideous to change pictures. Recently single for the last 7 lifetimes. Ready to get back in to courting. Ladies: Please stop requesting d!ck pics (too tiny to be caught on film). (OMG, yep…this is hilarious! Too tiny to be caught on film…this is fan-freaking-tastic!)
  • Dude from my hometown with nothing but pictures of his kids on his tinder. (Really?! I mean, you actually work in law enforcement and think putting your minor children on mother f wording tinder is a good idea?!)

While I’m comforted knowing that when my friends swipe away for me, they too gravitate towards the sarcastic and funny options, the vast majority of the choices just leave me perfectly comfortable with continuing the tinder hiatus….except I won’t, because we’re going out of town this weekend, and group tindering with the best bitches after a wine tour just sounds too fun to pass up.