After a few weeks of a friend posting screenshots of the real winners she’s found in the Tinder/Bumble universe to Instagram with what is becoming my favorite hashtag, #whyimsingle, I decided it was time to enable discovery on good old Tinder again. You know…for research purposes, and you guys, it has NOT disappointed.
First, there was a “You have a new match” notification on my phone, which I didn’t even bother looking at, because I was fairly positive it would be followed by an almost immediate unmatch, but I was wrong. It was followed by a message. Cool. Except let’s be honest. It was 2am, and I was just settling down after an epic girl’s night, and we had pedicure appointments in 12 hours and still needed to grab brunch before that, so I was not staying up to chat with some random dude. Also, if I’m being completely honest, I really wasn’t feeling this anyway, and the Tinder swiping was really just a way to pass some time. His “You up” message was met with “barely…2am is not my jam” to which he responded “Ok..I’ll catch you tomorrow.”
The next morning around 10, I had a message notification. “Come over to my house and cuddle. We can Netflix and chill. ;)”
My response: Sorry friend….this is a girl’s weekend and I already have plans.
Tinder dude: Just bail on brunch and come over.
Me: Brunch is the best meal of the entire week.
Tinder dude: Then skip the pedicures and come over.
Me: Lo siento amigo, girl’s days are sacred.
Tinder dude: well then….have fun I guess.
Skipping right on past the unimportant details of brunch, shopping, pedicures, and 3 hour drive home, at 10pm here come the messages again.
Tinder dude: you up
Me: Not for long. I have to be up again in 6 hours, and while I can still party like I’m in my 20’s, I don’t recover that way anymore.
Tinder dude: Come over for a little bit.
Me: Did you happen to notice how far away I am?
Tinder dude: What the hell?!
Me: Sorry…maybe next time I’m in town.
Tinder dude: What….you have to go back home to your husband during the week.
Me: Never had one of those….thanks for your confidence in me though.
Tinder dude: Your wife then?
Me: Again….thanks for the vote of confidence there, but no, there’s no wife either.
Four days later, Tinder dude starts the conversation up again with this little gem: Hey, come out here. You can stay with me.
Me: I have plans this weekend already.
Tinder dude: I bet I’m better than the plans you already have. Come out here. You can stay with me.
Me: If I happen to find some free time, you could perhaps meet me for brunch at Stratford Proper.
Tinder dude: I don’t really like the downtown area.
Tinder dude: Yeah, still too close to town.
You guys, Prohibition is like 8 miles in to the suburbs from downtown SLC, but ok.
Me: Well…why don’t you just meet me for coffee. How about Starbucks in Cottonwood Heights.
Tinder dude: I’d kinda rather stick around Sandy where I live.
Me: It’s like 8 miles from Sandy to Prohibiton, and 6 from Sandy to Cottonwood Heights. (Point of reference for my Sitka peeps….this is like someone saying “You know, I know you have 4 hours to kill before the ferry leaves, but I don’t really want to hike part of Harbor Mountain with you, because I live clear over by the post office… That 7 minute drive is just such a pain in the ass! Maybe if you weren’t so far out on HPR…)
Tinder dude: So….
Me: I just don’t think I’m going to have time for this…not this weekend…or ever really.
Tinder dude: Why is that?
Me: Do you really need me to break it all down for you? Or can I just tell you to maybe make a little effort next time. Just a little. Leave your 6 mile bubble, and see about taking a 10 minute drive for coffee instead of “Do you want to come over to my house and make out watch movies, but not really watch movies?” No judgement if you want to just Netflix and chill. None whatsoever. But, maybe tell a girl she’s pretty and at least offer to buy her a drink before you try to get her naked. I’m guessing that’ll work a little better for you.
Tinder dude: Nobody has ever talked to me like that. Not once in 49 years.
Me: Consider this a long overdue public service announcement then. Best of luck in your future swiping.