It’s the most wonderful time of the year. (But not really…)

It’s the most wonderful time of the year. (But not really…)

The 4th quarter is my least favorite time of the entire year. Yes, it’s even worse than the 6 weeks of summer where I don’t get a single day off and am stuck in town for the long haul. I mean, I don’t HATE everything about the 4th quarter, but the parties for hosting, gay happy meetings, misteltoeing, and caroling out in the snow are just not my cup of eggnog. (Oh yeah, and eggnog is gross too.) I don’t watch Hallmark style Christmas movies unless I’m REALLY deep in to a self loathing cycle, and I could do without Christmas music in any form except classical until the day of Christmas.

“But Annalee, what kind of Christmas movies do you watch then?”

Good question! The Die Hard franchise, The Long Kiss Goodnight, Gremlins, and Bad Santa. Who needs feel good Christmas movies anyway?!

 But I digress, this isn’t an “I hate Christmas” post. Far from it actually. I love the excitement little kids have on Christmas, and I love the serving others part of the holidays. What I hate, is that after Halloween, the remainder of the 4th quarter is basically a whole lot of “Will you be bringing anybody with you this year” or “Hey, can I steal you from your family tonight so everyone will just question my sexual orientation instead of wondering why I’m still single?” Yep…It’s 2 full months of Valentine’s Day-like hell.

 I’m usually pretty good at avoiding this line of questioning really. It’s easy; I just hang with the kids. They’re usually more fun anyway. This year, however, one of my very oldest friends is getting married in the beginning of December. This guy has pulled me through some pretty rough times. Namely, when my parents got divorced, and he took it upon himself (with the help of his kick ass girlfriend at the time) to make sure I was eating and sleeping. I was the permanent third wheel in their relationship for at least a month. So he’s getting married, and I’m not even sad that I’m losing my “If we’re both single when we’re 45, we’ll just get married” back up plan. (Rom-Com plot…gross! Also, I don’t think it was 45 either, but we haven’t quite reached that age yet, so it works) Here’s what sucks about this. He’s getting married on a weekend. The ONLY weekend that I could fly to the PNW for a quick wedding weekend, and I don’t have a soul to go with me.

 I know what you’re thinking. I thought about it too. There’s only like 5 million Hallmark style Christmas movies with the same plot. I could ask a guy friend to go with me, or hire a stranger to come with me and pretend that we’ve been quietly dating for months. We’d go to the wedding, get snowed in during a rare Portland blizzard, and fall madly in love before we have to come home. Yeah, I just threw up a little in my mouth too. This is precisely the reason I won’t just ask a guy friend to come with me. I can’t turn my life in to the plot of a Christmas movie, especially when I’m absolutely certain those kind of Christmas movies exist only to make single people feel even worse about themselves during the time of year when everyone is coupled up and happily celebrating. So, even though I’m DYING to wear that black Michael Kors in a public setting, I’m skipping the wedding in favor of crashing their life for a weekend during the summer when we can all chill, instead of spending a week’s worth of wages to play dress up and hang out with a bunch of people I don’t know. It’ll be better weather, and there won’t be the winter season PLUS wedding weirdness that comes along with still not seeing anyone. As an added bonus, I won’t have to hear “You’re such a nice girl, I just don’t understand why someone hasn’t just snatched you right up.” At least I’m not alone in this though. You see, as I was sitting in my office throwing myself one hell of a pity party because I had convinced myself that I can’t go to a winter wedding alone, even though I really need some Jones brothers in my life soon, when the real reason is that 8 days prior to the wedding, the county I live in will be stealing all of my discretionary spending money in the form of a giant ass property tax bill, I received a snapchat from another dear friend of mine. It was a picture of the invitation to her office Christmas party captioned “Please tell me I’m not the only one who gets severe anxiety at the idea of going to a Christmas Party alone. I know I could take one of my girl friends, but I’m sick of going without a guy. I’m tempted to call up an ex and see if he’ll go with me just so rumors stop about me being a lesbian… Or so I don’t have to feel self-conscious walking in and sitting by myself.” You are definitely not alone…. Solidarity sister. This single shit is hard, but at least we don’t have someone blaming us when they’re the ones who burned the dinner beyond recognition, so there’s that.
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On asking for what you want

On asking for what you want

I’ve seen no less than 20 of my friends, and friends of friends post a variation of this meme in the last 3 days alone on Facebook and Instagram. For the most part, I love you all, but really?! Do we have to go there with the passive aggressive “what all girls want” post? Here it is…

15 things every girl wants from her guy but won’t ask for

  1. Good morning and Good night texts
  2. Pictures taken together
  3. Surprises, especially little ones
  4. Visiting and bringing her favorite food
  5. A hoodie with his scent on it
  6. Really long hugs
  7. Slow dances
  8. Sincere compliments
  9. Sing her favorite song, even if it’s out of tune
  10. Make her feel special
  11. Real, deep conversations
  12. Nonsense, but funny conversations too
  13. His “gentlemanliness”
  14. Comfort and patience when she’s in tears
  15. Telling her how much you love her.

Did I miss the part where as women, we aren’t allowed to just come out and ask for what we want in a relationship? I mean, every single one of the people I have seen share this lately are in a long-term relationship. EVERY. SINGLE. ONE. So….what’s with the passive aggressive posting? Why not just tell your guy whatever the hell it is you need to be happy in your relationship?

Newsflash….guys aren’t mind readers, and they aren’t going to pick up on your “subtle” Facebook post. If you want his hoodie, steal it from him, and give it back when it doesn’t smell like him anymore, but if you really want the rest of that stuff, you may just need to communicate it. And while you’re at it, maybe ask him what he wants too and reciprocate. But while we’re on that…maybe ALL girls don’t want their guy to slow dance and take pictures. Some of us don’t want you ruining our favorite song by singing it out of tune, and would be perfectly happy if you just pull our hair, touch our butt (among other things), and eat tacos with us. But then, what do I really know about relationships? I’m the eternally single one, and y’all are married or spoken for…so maybe the passive aggressive thing is really what works these days…

 

Have you tried online dating?

Have you tried online dating?

“You’re such a nice girl, and so involved in the community. It’s not like you’re sitting at home hiding from the boys. I don’t know why someone hasn’t just snatched you up yet. Have you tried online dating?”

Ahh….married people….don’t you just love them? No, I’m not just sitting at home hiding from the boys, but given what seems to be out there, I might be better off that way. Yes, I’m sure I’m not a lesbian too. Yes, it’s because I like boys far too much, but it’s also because I don’t really see the need to be shot down by two genders. As to the question of “have you tried online dating?” Holy shit, why didn’t I think of that?! Of course I’ve tried online dating. I mean I haven’t for a while, but I can tell you, I am THE BEST at getting friend-zoned when it comes to online dating.  I mean, I have no complaints about that; these guys are some of the coolest people I know. Still, after my sweet married friend who simply can’t believe how I’m still single asked the question, I had to take a look again today. May I present to you the viable “options” in online dating today…
PhotoGrid_1529967496640.jpgThanks, but no thanks. I think I’d rather submit my application to become a nun…. Ok, not really on that whole “get thee to a nunnery” bit. I’m gonna take a hard pass on celibacy, but in the infamous words of Ms. Cher Horowitz, “You see how picky I am about my shoes, and they only go on my feet.”

 

So you think want an independent woman?

So you think want an independent woman?

“I just want a woman who can take care of herself. I don’t want someone who needs rescued. If she can take care of her own shit, we’re going to get along fine.”

Doesn’t that just sound great? First of all, to clarify, I do not want a woman, independent or otherwise. It’s cool if you’re a girl and that’s what you want, but I don’t. That “I want an independent woman” thing, that’s just something I hear…a lot….from people who really don’t know what the hell they want, but they know THAT sounds good.

I may have lost a friend over this a few weeks ago. I mean, they’ll probably get over their hurt feelings and be just fine, but who knows. Sometimes hearing the truth is just a little painful. Still, I was at brunch with a friend a few weeks ago. We were commiserating over how stupid dating is lately, and how it’s a giant pain, because really, once you focus on actually dating, instead of just meeting cool people and letting things happen if they’re going to happen without stressing over defining the “relationship”, dating is a giant joke anymore. Anyway, this friend told me “I don’t know why it’s so hard to find a girl who isn’t just looking for a paycheck. I feel like everyone I’ve met is just looking for someone to rescue them. Like they don’t know how to function on their own, so they need someone else there to fix everything for them.”

Dumbfounded, I looked at him and asked him to elaborate further. He said “The last girl I dated just always needed something. She never tried to pay for anything. She was always on the verge of having her phone shut off, needed help with daycare, was having car problems, you name it. I just felt like I was there to pay for EVERYTHING.”

Ok, fair enough. I would feel like that too. But then I asked him why we don’t hang out more often, and he said “We get along great, but you are ALWAYS at work, or out of town, or volunteering somewhere. It’s hard to make our schedules work out. I can’t just call you one day and say ‘Hey, let’s grab dinner’ and have you be able to do it.”

“Do you realize how absolutely stupid that sounds,” I asked him. “Seriously though, can you just sit and reflect on that? First of all, there are PLENTY of times when I can just drop everything and grab dinner, or lunch, or whatever, but you’ve got to be worth the time it takes to do that, because when I do, I’ve got to rearrange my schedule to fit this stuff in somewhere else, and usually, unless you’re already a good friend, one of the best bitches, my kid, or you’re incredibly hot and way out of my league, you’ve not really done anything to be worth the effort it takes to shuffle things around with no notice.”

He looked at me and responded “It’s just so hard, you know. When I’m on days off, I just want to be able to do things spontaneously. You’re a good friend, so I don’t care if it takes a while to hang out with you, but if I’m dating someone I want to be able to just take off and do something. I don’t want to have to jump through hoops to find a day or time that works.”

Cool. Here’s your problem though: you can either have a girl (I mean, this is the same for guys too) who can drop everything and do whatever you want whenever you want her to be able to do it, and you’re probably going to have to pay for a disproportionate amount of things, or deal with her drama, or any of the plethora of “problems” that one runs in to with people who can’t handle their own life OR you can have a girl who can handle her own shit, but you have to put forth a little effort when you want to do something with her, because she’s busy…handling her own shit. You don’t get to have it both ways, because not everyone can find their trust fund honey who has the ability to take care of themselves AND never have to work. There’s just not enough of those to go around, so before you say “I just want a woman who can take care of herself,” realize that this means you’re not going to be her number 1 priority; she’s already given that position to herself.

Again with the anonymous guest blogger

Again with the anonymous guest blogger

When I go to weddings and older people come up to me and say “You’re next,” it just makes me want to go to funerals and return the favor. 😉 Just kidding. I don’t go to weddings unless there is absolutely no way I can get out of them, and I’d never say that to someone out loud anyway. Would I send a snarky snapchat to my best snapchat pals about it? Yes. Actually, I’d probably post it to my snap story and let everyone see it, because I think that crap is funny.

Speaking of my very best snapchat pals, I love it when they give me a chance to play editor, and let them anonymously post their stories for them. Some people aren’t so comfortable with the world knowing just how high their level of crazy can be at any given time. Go figure! Anyway, here’s another post from a fellow Utah single who just needs to vent or go crazy, and I prefer the anonymous venting option, because I like her on this side of a straight jacket. (BTW, I received the massage selfie that she speaks of, and it was amazing. I just want her to be my “lets blow a week of PTO on a spa weekend” partner in crime!)

Let’s be honest, being single has its perks. Over the last decade of my extended time being single, I have chosen to travel a bit. Nothing huge, nothing extravagant, but a little travel as my budget allows. I’m sure to friends from my little town, going to New York is a huge trip that seems like I’m out living my best life without a care in the world. Whatever, think that. None of my trips have been over the top, “I’m single, look at me do the things you can’t” kind of trip! I’m secretly a frugal freak. I use a strict budget and watch for awesome travel deals. (Birthday presents in the form of plane tickets are perfectly acceptable *wink, wink*.) I generally show a couple of snap shots of the trip: me at the Statue of Liberty, or sitting on the beach, and share them over various forms of social media. I choose to share via social media to show my friends what I’m up to that way I don’t have to send a ton of individual texts to people. All likes, responses, and replies are in one tidy place.

That being said…

I recently went on a little trip. Nothing extravagant. I went out of town for some spa time and self care. While out, I sent a Snapchat to a group of friends just showing them what I was up to. I immediately received the response back from one friend that simply said, “YOU’RE RUBBING YOUR SINGLEHOOD IN MY FACE!” I was immediately taken aback, maybe even hurt. I didn’t feel like the picture was anything scandalous or over-the-top. It was just a selfie of me at the spa sitting on the massage table. I did add a caption that I thought was funny but maybe it was taken the wrong way? We send pictures back and forth all the time. Many of which contain me doing something random and I have never received this type of response.

Then I began to think about the last few conversations I’ve had with this friend. Most being her explaining her life as a wife and mother. Her life revolves around her husband and children, as it should. Bobby is starting to walk or Susie is doing great in school. I want to hear these things. This is her current spot in life and I genuinely care.

When the time would come in the conversation that she would ask me what I was up to, I’d start to explain my life of working long hours. On a normal week my life is BORING. In fact, most weeks it is boring. I wake up, go to work, eat, go to sleep, and start the cycle all over again. No one wants to hear about the daily dealings with idiot coworkers. So what’s the next best thing? Oh, I have something fun in my life coming up, let me tell you about how excited I am about this little trip I’ve planned!

I have plenty of married friends who have adorable children and/or happy marriages. They post pictures of their happy wife, happy life moments. I don’t ever comment, “QUIT RUBBING YOUR HAPPILY MARRIED LIFE IN MY FACE!” I heart the picture and add the comment “ADORABLE family!” because that’s what I actually feel. I’m happy for you.

Maybe at this point I have the life you are dreaming of. Someone who can sneak away for a weekend and not have to worry about getting a babysitter or making sure meals are made for a husband. I can see how one might perceive it as a free life. Yes, it might be a little more relaxed than your life, but come on! There’s a good chance I might be a little jealous of your life, but I’m not going to go out of my way to make you feel like shit because you have the life I want. So, heart the damn picture and tell me to have fun and come back relaxed! Maybe next time I’ll invite you to join.

I’m just looking for someone to buy me a Bentley: an experiment in online dating.

I’m just looking for someone to buy me a Bentley: an experiment in online dating.

A while ago (ok, it was on my birthday this year), I received a text that said “You should reward and pamper yourself. Spend the whole day in bed. You don’t look like you’re 38 at all, at most 34. Go find a boyfriend. Maybe try online dating. Don’t just immerse yourself earning money.” (Hey…immerse myself in earning money is a bit harsh. I’m just doing what it takes to pay the bills, and unfortunately this means working all the damn time, so there’s that.) Why though? This was in response to me telling this person that I was celebrating my birthday by working, just like any normal Friday, because I’m not 12 and I’d rather not acknowledge the fact that I’m old. That spending the whole day in bed did sound appealing though!

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I can’t even count the number of times I’ve heard some variation of “have you ever considered online dating,” or “maybe you need to lower your standards a little bit,” or “maybe if you looked outside of the area with one of those apps you’d have better luck.” Thanks…I get it, but you know what? I’m not Jerry Maguire, and I don’t REALLY need anyone to complete me. I’ve been single for a while now. It’s working out pretty well. Like…I think I’m the one, although it wouldn’t be all bad to have someone to join in on that whole spend the whole day (or 20 minutes or so on the regular) in bed advice. 😉 😉

What she didn’t know though, was I was already trying online dating. I mean, not for finding a boyfriend, because the thought of actively trying to do that is overwhelmingly daunting. I mean, last time someone asked me what I was looking for in a relationship, I told them “Someone I’m comfortable enough around that the relationship happens before I realize I’m in one. It’s best if I don’t realize I tripped in to some feelings until it’s too late to just brush that shit off.” They slapped me, I laughed, and that was the end of it. Still, I was already messing around with online dating simply so I could answer the question “What are you looking for here” with “TBH, I’m just looking for someone to buy me a Bentley,” and so began a whole slew of instant unmatches, and some rather fantastic responses.

  • You’re worth a Geo Metro at best.
  • What if I just give you my Bentley?
  • You realize that’s like a quarter of a million for a car don’t you?
  • Wanna leak a sex tape with me? It worked for Kim Kardashian.
  • How about unlimited rides on my disco stick instead? (Throwing down the Lady Gaga reference…good one.)
  • I hope you’re not serious, because there’s no world where you or any chick is worth a Bentley!
  • What color would you like, and are you comfortable “working it off” at the going rate? 😉 😉
  • I named my d!ck “Bentley” just for you. (This came several times, along with a shit ton of unsolicited pictures.)

One of my very personal favorites though: “I’m gonna need to see a topless picture first.” Yeah…let me get right on that….

I’m just looking for someone to buy me a Bentley. I’m really not, but I wouldn’t turn one down either, provided it came with the insurance prepaid too, and a new house to park it at. I mean, I’m not looking for someone to “complete me” but I’d sell my soul if the price was right…

 

The one with the guest blogger

The one with the guest blogger

I have some of the most adorable friends ever. Some of them are avid readers of the blog (sorry for letting you down with the lack of posting lately BTW), and snap me after reading some of the posts with “OMG girl! Same!!” They get it. The apparent offensiveness of being over 20 and single in a small town is just too much for some people to remain silent about. I love it when people share their stories of what people say to them about being single; it’s ever so nice to know that I’m not alone in some of the completely off the wall comments. I love it even more when they email them and say “Put this on your blog, because I want to remain anonymous.” So without further adeiu….the one with the guest blogger:

Are you single? Are you dating anyone?

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been asked why I’m single. Seriously. Its NUMEROUS times a day, week, month, and year. I can honestly say that in the last 4 months, not one day has gone by without at least one person making some type of comment. (136 days to be exact. I’ve kept track) I know people want the best for me, are concerned for me, want me to be happy, blah, blah, blah. But let’s be honest, every time someone starts the conversation with, “Are you dating anyone?”, it feels as though they are reaching in my chest pulling my heart out, throwing it on the dirty ground, and stomping it. Instead of asking me how I’m doing or what exciting things are going on in my life. Instant shut down. I don’t want to talk to you any longer. I will find any possible way to get out of the conversation in the next 30 seconds. I’ve even been known to start up a conversation with a perfect stranger to get out of the awkwardness…

Sometimes along with the questions dripping with concern come the awkward questions… “Are you sure you’re not a lesbian?” I know what vaginas do, I’ll pass. “Have you tried a dating app?” Yep. Sure have. Still occasionally dabble in a few. Dick pics daily. Do want me send them to you? “What if you moved out of this small town?” Did that. Still didn’t get married “I know this friend’s brother’s roommate’s cousin who JUST got out jail and “has cleaned up his life” He’d be perfect for you!” No thanks. Skip card. Next player. “Are you sure you don’t want to switch sides?” I’m moody, hormonal, and no one wants 2 of me in a relationship. The world would burn. “Are you dating at all?” I am dating occasionally. I just don’t tell everyone about every. single. first. date. “Is there anyone on the horizon?” Yeah… I’m sure there’s a guy out there standing on the horizon just waiting patiently for me to come and ride off into the sunset with him. Just don’t know who he is.

My favorite is the way most conversations end. “You’re so awesome! I can’t figure out why you haven’t been snatched up yet!” is like you’re trying to shove this broken shell of what once was my heart back into my chest. Exaggeration? Nah… I can’t figure it out either. And you saying that makes me wonder what really is wrong with me. Am I ugly, fat, too much gray hair, too much acne, too many wrinkles, a heartless hag, a disgusting trash person? No clue, but thanks for bringing it up & making me concentrate on all my insecurities…

Why is my being single THE WORST thing to happen? I’ve seen too many of my friends end up in loveless marriages, get divorced, cheat, the list goes on and on. I’d rather be single than deal with that whole mess. But really, let’s think about it. If being single is the worst thing about me, I’m doing pretty damn good!

So, thank you for your concern. I’m doing just fine being single. Next time you start a conversation with your single friend by saying, “Are you dating anyone?” don’t be surprised when the reply is a sassy “Hell hasn’t frozen over yet.”