Baby, It’s Cold Outside

Baby, It’s Cold Outside

I feel like you have to have been living under a rock lately to not realize that people seem to be REALLY reaching for things to be offended by. Case in point: Baby It’s Cold Outside, written in 1944 is all of the sudden so offensive that radio stations are pulling it from their Christmas air play rotation in droves. Why? Apparently it’s a little rapey, overbearing, and generally creepy. 

I’m not always the biggest fan of Christmas music, since I work in retail and get the pleasure of listening to it for 6 weeks of the year. It gets a little annoying, but I LOVE Baby It’s Cold Outside. In fact, this song was my go to jam in the car all weekend long. It was a weekend of Car Karaoke featuring me, myself, and I, and this song was the most requested, by me, and performed by me, and not once was I offended by any of the lyrics. Why? Because I realize this song was written in nineteen forty freaking four when a gal had to at least make a show of saying she needed to leave a boy’s house when she really wanted to stay. That’s why there’s the back and forth of “I really should go. Ok, I’ll stay for another drink. Ok, now I really should go. What will everyone think. Ok, I’ll stay for a cigarette.” And so on and so forth. Do we know if she really left? No, but we know it’s cold outside, and she didn’t really want to leave anyway. 

Sure, if you look at the lyrics to this song as if they were written today, they seem a whole lot more sinister, but let’s be honest…. If this song were written today, in a day and age where you literally summon strangers from the internet using an app on your smart phone so you can hook up whenever and wherever you want (Related: THIS makes dating rather than hooking up in this day and age a special kind of hell!), the song would be insanely short, written post smash and feature a quick Nicki Minaj or Pitbull cameo. It would be an auto-tuned mess and go something like this: You really should go. (But baby it’s cold outside.) Aight boo, I guess you can wait for your Uber inside, but lock the door behind you.

But don’t let Baby It’s Cold Outside take all of the offensive Christmas song credit. Here’s some more that are equally offensive if you really want to find trivial reasons to be offended. 

  •  I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: did we really just subject children to seeing their mom as part of an extramarital affair? And did Santa have mommy’s consent?  I sure hope so!
  • The Christmas Song: Open fire?! Really? Think of the pollution. What about folks dressed up like Eskimos? Can we say cultural appropriation being blatantly celebrated? And what about the chestnuts and people with nut allergies? Sugar plums dancing through heads of children that might have diabetes…
  • Is dreaming of a White Christmas racist?
  • Santa Claus is Coming to Town: He sees you when you’re sleeping. He knows when you’re awake. Well…is Santa a stalker or what?!
  • How about celebrating the blatant bullying in Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer?  
  • Santa Baby: If ever there was a song to teach your daughters to be gold diggers, this is it!
  • Surely All I Want For Christmas Is My Two Front Teeth is offensive to all of those poor unfortunate souls who have lost all of their teeth to meth…

I could go on and on and on with completely asinine reasons to be offended by nearly every Christmas song ever written, but I won’t, because I’m literally sitting at my desk laughing to myself at how the people who are so worked up over a Christmas song that is over 7 decades old are probably the same people who are dressing their daughters up in adorable dance costumes and stage makeup for their dance recitals. Recitals where they will dance to some of the most popular songs in the country, which are either subtly or overtly sexual in content without even batting an eye, but a playful Christmas song from 1944 is offensive and should never see air time again. And besides….if you’re going to be offended by something in that song, be offended by the fact that he’s setting her up for a lifelong addiction and possibility for lung cancer with that cigarette she’s staying for. 

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RIP to my brain

RIP to my brain

Facebook keeps reminding me that I haven’t posted in a while. What Facebook doesn’t know is that it’s because I’ve been a little busy here working on some political things, and trying to maintain a shred of sanity while working 70+ hours a week and not having any time to escape the tiny town I live in to get some real life saving time in the city. Anyway, I’m pretty sure that’s all made the last functioning brain cells I have left abandon ship, so instead of being able to compose something somewhat intelligent about some of the actual kick ass things I’ve been doing lately, you can get to know me just a little bit with this “30 questions adult version” I’ve been tagged in no less than 30 times on Facebook this week alone.

1. What bill do you hate paying the most?
I hate paying for all of them except my insurance, and that’s only because my insurance agents are THE best. Seriously, I pay my bill and then we chat for a while (sometimes over cocktails) about the people who are driving us crazy.
2. When was the last time you had a romantic dinner?
Does wine in the shower count as a romantic dinner?
3. What do you really want to be?
Relaxed, well rested, and content.
4. How many colleges did you go to?
I kind of burned myself out in High School and made some bad life decisions afterward. So…I’ve taken a few classes at a couple of different colleges, but that’s about it.
5. Why did you choose the shirt you have on?
Simple: It was clean.
6. Thoughts on gas prices right now?
It doesn’t matter what gas costs, I don’t want to walk, so I’m paying whatever it is.
7. First thought when the alarm goes off in the morning?
“So….here’s another day of waking up to an alarm instead of morning sex or breakfast in bed.”
8. Last thought you had before you went to bed?
Literally woke up at 3am with my phone on my face, so considering I fell asleep while binge watching season 4 of The Last Ship, my last thought was probably “I should probably plug the iPad in.”
9. Do you miss being a child?
I miss not having adult responsibilities, but that’s about it.
10. What errand/chore do you despise the most?
Cleaning in general.
11. Up early or sleep in?
I don’t even know how to sleep in anymore. Is this something that comes with getting old? Because I think only old people consider 6am sleeping in….
12. Found love yet?
Yeah…but not in a way that is ever going to result in the end of people asking me when I’m going to settle down and get married, so there’s that.
13.Favorite lunch meat?
I prefer lunch cocktails.
14. What do you get every time at Wal-Mart?
Anxiety. I avoid that place like the freaking plague.
15. Beach or lake?
They’re both water. I’m at home in either location. I prefer the beach, but a lake will do.
16. Who mows your lawn?
I’ve managed to cut down on the lawn needing to be mowed by simply not watering it. For real. I shouldn’t even own a home. An apartment with a little balcony to sit on and read or chat with friends and no yard to take care of would be absolutely perfect.
17. Is marriage over rated?
Probably not, but I know a whole lot of miserable married people, so who really knows.
18. Ever crashed a vehicle?
Unfortunately, yes.
19. Do you make your bed?
Of course, but it’s not something I’m a stressed out bed making Nazi about…
20. Strangest place you’ve brushed your teeth?
What the hell kind of question is this? Like are there people who brush their teeth on a roller coaster, or while scuba diving or something?
21. What is your bedtime?
Whenever I can’t stay awake anymore.
22. Somewhere you’ve never been but want to go?
Fiji, Hawaii, Iceland, to sleep for 10 solid hours…..the possibilities are endless.
23. Your favorite vacation you’ve ever been on?
Have you ever experienced the joy of taking a kid to Disneyland? It’s the best thing in the world. Favorite vacation sans kid though? Adult trips to Vegas are always a solid choice!
24. At this point in your life would you want to start a new career?
It’s something I consider on a daily basis.
25. Do you have a go to person?
Several of them.
26. Are you where you want to be in life?
Am I currently a trophy wife who does brunches and CrossFit and has a nice budget for philanthropy? No, so I’m not where I WANT to be in life, but I’m exactly where I NEED to be.
27. Growing up what were your favorite cartoons?
I only had cartoons on Saturday morning growing up. We took what we got.
28. Are you a parent yet?
Meanest mom in the world 19 years and counting.
29. What do you think has changed about you since you are older?
Besides the gray hair? I’ve finally learned that it’s ok to say “no” to people, and I care a whole lot less about the opinions of people who think I’m going to hell because I don’t live up to their standards.
30. What do you miss the most about being a kid?
Easy: spending every single day of the summer at the pool. That, and not paying bills.

It’s my anniversary yo

It’s my anniversary yo

Today I’m celebrating the longest relationship I’ve ever been in. You’re confused aren’t you? You probably should be. I’m not married, and my longest relationship lasted WAY longer than it should have, but still had a 7 year expiration date. I guess technically, I’ve been in a “relationship” with the day job for over 18 years at this point, but I don’t really like that, so I’m not counting it. I’m talking about my relationship with Lil’ Red.

Ten years ago, on 8/8/08, I was on my way to Salt Lake City to attend a wedding. On my way out, I received a phone call from a salesman at my favorite car dealership. He said the car I had been in love with since the mock-up of it as a concept car had been released 2 years prior was just pulled off the truck in the color I wanted. Did I still want the car? Like there was even a question. Of course I wanted the car, but I also wasn’t going to be that asshole who blew off the wedding to buy my midlife crisis car. $500 paid over the phone was enough to hold it until the wedding was over, and make me the envy of every University of Utah professor that also wanted my midlife crisis car, the 2008 Honda Accord Coupe EX-L with the V6 engine in San Marino Red, school colors at the U. Sorry boys, that 28-year-old beat you to the car you wanted….

Lil’ Red and I have had quite the relationship over the past decade. She’s been my therapist through countless miles of fast driving, mountain curves, fast driving on mountain curves, and loud music. She inspired the paint color for 3 different classic car remodels in 2008 alone. She’s the reason a complete stranger followed me for over a year before he asked if he could drive her and then ended up buying her ugly brown step-sister after I refused multiple offers to sell her. (Really though….Tiger Eye Pearl was not the best Honda paint color). She’s been the fancy ride that has been to Homecoming and Prom more times than I ever did (not like that was a hard number to beat!) with the cousins who begged to drive her to impress their dates. She’s taken the kid and I on several nice long road trips. She’s been on the road from Vernal to Salt Lake so often she could probably do it without me, so take that Tesla self driving cars. She survived teaching the 16-year-old how to drive, although, I’m sure she was pretty grateful that I never let him take her himself. She’s happy to oblige when tiny humans ask me to fly balloons out of the sun roof, or go faster because it’s fun, and she was even happier when teenage boys in Challengers tried to race her and lost miserably….three lights in a row.

She’s getting up there in age though, kind of like her owner. I mean…she’s still awesome AF, and appears to have it all together, but she’s a total Monet. Once you get up close, you start seeing all of the imperfections. I suppose she takes after her owner a bit on that one. I’m not looking forward to the day Lil’ Red has to retire, because she can’t really be replaced. (Seriously, they quit making that car in 2017, there was no deeper meaning there.)

So yeah, it’s probably the only 10 year anniversary I’ll ever celebrate. As for the couple from the 8/8/08 wedding, I texted them this morning, like I do every year, telling them Happy Anniversary, and was thanked with the response “You always remember. Thank you!” I never have the heart to tell her that I remember her anniversary, because it’s also the same day I bought Lil’ Red, but I don’t think it would matter. 8/8/08 was a great day for both of us, and while I’m sure she’ll be celebrating with the modern 10 year anniversary gift of diamonds, I may have to go with the traditional gift, crack open an aluminum can of some sort of cold beverage, and celebrate the day I bought the only car I’ve kept for longer than 3 or 4 years. Or maybe I’ll use it as an excuse to go buy myself those diamond earrings I’ve been looking at, because Treat. Yo. Self. (Someone’s got to do it right?)

What’s it like inside your head?

What’s it like inside your head?

I often have no filter. The thoughts in my head find their way out of my mouth and people react with shock, laughter, a questioning shake of the head, or prayers for my soul. Today was no exception when I was asked “what’s it like inside your head?”

My response, as I was drinking my Simply Balanced sparkling grapefruit water from Target: well, I need to go to Target this weekend, because if I don’t go this weekend the next time I have free time for a weekend in SLC is the weekend of July 14th. One of my friends sent me a snap of her daughter asking how I liked her Ana braids, and even though I have NEVER seen the movie Frozen in its entirety, now the song “Do You Want to Build a Snowman” is stuck in my head, except the words are “do you want to go to Target.”

They looked at me, blinked, and then said “Wow, that’s not what I expected to hear.” I’m pretty sure they won’t be asking what it’s like in my head again, because the truth is, sometimes it’s just a hot mess.

Why are Mom Jeans making a comeback?!

Why are Mom Jeans making a comeback?!

This weekend, I stopped at a friend’s house and left with 6 pairs of jeans that she was getting rid of. Trading clothes with your girlfriends is the best. It really is. We had a nice little fashion show while trying everything on, then threw my new goodies in my trunk and went to brunch. When I got home, I threw them all in the washing machine and actually hung them up when they were dry, instead of sharing a queen sized bed with a pile of clean laundry (my most common “relationship” status btw, second only to sleeping diagonally across a queen sized bed).

This morning, I pulled a pair of jeans from the closet, threw them on, and left for work. Fast forward not even 2 hours in to the day, and I was going completely INSANE!! Why? High waist jeans. How on God’s green earth did we deal with these in the 80s and 90s? Really, I want to know. I mean, I fondly remember my Guess, Jones New York, Silver, and JNCO jeans of the 90s, but what I don’t remember was how insanely uncomfortable it was to wear jeans with a waistband set so high it could damn near double as the band on your mother F wording bra! (Clearly they’re not QUITE that high, but you get the picture.) I’m not 100% positive that the jeans cut so low you have to shave or wax your you know what of the late 90s and early 2000s were not in rebellious direct response to these mom jean monstrosities! I get it now. I really do!

I mean, I’m not in any hurry to go back to pants with a 1 1/2 inch zipper, because Lord knows after having a kid, those don’t do me ANY freaking favors. Honestly, even in the middle of a damn eating disorder, those ultra low rise jeans didn’t do me any favors,  but I’ll still pass on the jeans that can double as a bra too. Mom jeans shouldn’t make a comeback, and the only reason the ones I have on now aren’t going straight in to the donation pile….or trash….is because at some point, I’m going to fail at adulting, and be completely out of clean clothes, and at that point, the mom jeans MIGHT be a better choice than a skirt, and that’s only because they don’t require you to shave your legs (and other areas) without the promise of a pedicure, doctor’s appointment, or on the chance hell might be freezing over….a promising date.

Do you need ice cream or an alibi?

Do you need ice cream or an alibi?

One should never underestimate the therapeutic power of friendship. I mean the real friends, not the ones who say “Let me know if you ever need anything” to placate themselves, only to never hear from them again, aside from a random like on social media once in a while.

I recently came across a study that said 10% of adults don’t have a best friend, which really sucks for them, because I have several, and I couldn’t live without them. I’m not being overly dramatic in saying that. Hand to God, there are times over the last few decades that these people have seriously saved my life…or my sanity….or my ability to breathe air outside of the gray bar hotel. Either way, they’ve saved my life.

Making friends in school is easy. Play a sport, pick up an extra curricular activity, or whatever. The next thing you know, there’s never a day that you’re not piling in to someone’s car for lunch, skipping class, heading to a party on the weekend, or laughing so hard over lunch with the girls that you swear it counts as cardio. I don’t know…maybe that’s just an Alaska thing, but it feels like when you grow up on 14 miles of island, everyone is just friendlier.

golden girls

As an adult…or someone adult aged anyway…it’s not as easy. Maybe that’s why 10% of adults say they don’t have friends. Who do these people lean on? I mean, my friends are undoubtedly THE best people ever. Like the “if I die, I need you to clear my browser history and rid my house of anything that will embarrass my family” coolest. That’s a thing you know? Everyone needs that friend who can keep it together long enough to clear your browser history, get rid of the embarrassing things, post to your social media for you as if you still have Facebook on whatever side of eternity you ended up on, and in my case, make sure they play “Drop it Like It’s Hot” as they lower you in to the ground just to lighten the mood at the funeral you didn’t want them to be having in the first place. They’re the people who you just want to live with when you’re older and have so much fun that people wonder if you’re maybe losing your mind because that’s the only logical way to explain why you’re still acting like you’re teenagers.

Do you need ice cream or an alibi?

My core group of best bitches, and some of the very best of my friends get it. That’s how we respond to life’s trials. I mean, it’s not always ice cream. Sometimes it’s a walk, wine, chocolate, tacos, coffee, someone to watch your tiny humans so you can pee without an audience, a little financial help…you get the point.

  • My husband is such an ass. (obviously not a problem I have)
  • Why can’t you leave teenagers at the fire department with no questions asked like you can with an infant?!
  • Guys, I think it’s time to break up with my boyfriend. (still not a problem of mine)
  • I need to move, and I don’t know where to start.
  • My #$*@()! car is in the shop again.
  • My ex…well that’s a whole laundry list of my ex this, and my ex that, and I just don’t have the time to list those.
  • My kid moved on my birthday.
  • My kid dropped out of high school.
  • My kid moved back home and isn’t doing ANYTHING with his life.
  • You would not believe the day I had at work!
  • There’s far too many bills left at the end of my money.
  • If I don’t get some time with other humans, I’m going to go insane
  • Guys, I can’t spend one more minute with nothing but my thoughts today.
  • I just got a 24 hour shut off notice and I don’t get paid for 3 more days
  • You will not believe what so and so just said/did

All of these have been very well responded to with “Do you need ice cream or an alibi?” And then we laugh, sometimes joke about needing bail money instead, and then go have ice cream for dinner at 7:30 at night, because we are adults, and nobody can tell us we can’t. Ice cream or alibi friends are the best thing in the world, and everyone needs at least one of them.

 

10 things I’d do if I won the Powerball

10 things I’d do if I won the Powerball

millionaire

The current Powerball lottery is sitting at an amount of money so large, I can hardly even fathom having that kind of cash. Sidenote: It must be nice to be someone like Warren Buffet, Mark Zuckerberg, or that Nigerian prince who’s always trying to move a fortune out of the country and needs your help to do it. To have that kind of money at your disposal would be just a little bit awesome. If I won the lottery though, if I was fortunate to be that 1 in 292 million to walk away with over seven freaking hundred million dollars, there’s no way I’d take it all at once. Why should I give the government any more of it than they “need” for taxes? Nope. I’d take the 30 year annuity, because $23,000,000 is more than enough cash to go around. I can live pretty damn large, and still be nice and philanthropic (racking up the tax deductions there) with 23 million dollars a year.

Sometimes it’s nice to live in a dream world and think about what you’d do with that kind of cash. Currently, my list of things I’d do if I won the lottery looks a bit like this:

  1. I’m paying off my debt, my family’s debt, and the debt of a few close friends, and then buying myself a much nicer home.
  2. Speaking of real estate, I’m buying a Soho loft, something spectacular in the Pacific Northwest, and a little something more centrally located in the country. These will be landing grounds for my inevitable vacations, and of course available to friends and family. The real friends, not the ones who came out of the woodwork when I became rich all of the sudden. Obviously, these properties are going to have to be acquired over time, since I only have $23,000,000 a year to work with.
  3. I’m hiring THE best Father’s Rights attorney in the country. I’ve got a couple of great friends who are great dads, and they’re getting screwed big time, and NOT in the fun way. Dads matter too, and if you mess with my friends like that, I’m going to bring the big guns to the fight.
  4. I should probably set up a trust fund for the kid, who will have to continue to work even after I’m loaded, because he needs to learn what it’s like to figure shit out on your own.
  5. Spending an hour or so on the air without a filter sounds like a fabulous idea. We’ll say whatever we want, and then just send the FCC a check, so when the complaints roll in, we’re covered. It’ll be worth every second of it.
  6. I’ll be funding my own cancer research team. They’ll create better treatments on the route to eliminating cancer all together. Our treatments will be affordable, because I’m not an asshole, and I don’t need to make a profit from terminally ill people, or force people to die because they can’t afford treatment.
  7. Some of my very best friends are crazy about animals, so I’d definitely have to throw some cash towards fur baby rescues.
  8. I want a week at the Smithsonian Museums, with only a select group of people joining me. Insanely cool history with NO crowds. That’s my cup of tea!
  9. Live music and theater are the coolest. I’m going to every single performance I want to, and maybe I’ll just have to throw in some private shows as well. Fall Out Boy for Halloween? Sure! Ultimate 90’s reunions for Throwback Thursdays? Why not?! Private performance from Justin Timberlake just because it’s a day that ends in “y”? Sounds good to me!
  10. I think I’d like to finally figure out how much money it takes to make Mark Zuckerberg put the Facebook and Instagram algorithms back to the way they were when you could open them and see what was posted most recently and work your way back from there instead of the hot mess that they are now.

Bonus: Maybe I’d finally figure out a way to like running again. You know…something like John Stamos saying “I’m going for a run. If you can keep up, we can be seen holding hands in public or something.” Yeah…that’d do it.

I mean, it’s not going to happen, but a girl can dream right?