Last year, when the weather was still “Why the hell can’t it be spring already” crap outside, I went to brunch with this super cool guy. While we were chatting up a storm, he asked me “how often do you get hit on by complete strangers because of your job?” I told him “It literally never happens because I have a face for radio.” Then we laughed and moved on. What I didn’t know at the time, was that damn question jinxed me and random strangers have been sliding in to my DMs and being all extra AF on Tinder lately, so thanks a lot counselor.
Let me tell you about the latest person blocked from my Instagram. A few weeks ago, I woke up to a million (slight exaggeration) Insta notifications from someone who had started following me and liked almost every single one of my pictures. A little creepy, but no big deal. Then last week Senior Creeper sent me a super creative direct message, “Hi,” which I ignored because I’m 100% uninterested in messaging someone who has an Instagram account that is like 4 weeks old and is sliding unannounced in to my DMs.
Fast forward a week or so and I had COMPLETELY forgotten about the rando from the Gram when he commented on one of my pictures “ANSWER YOUR MESSAGES.” OK first of all, you can stop yelling at me with your all caps, and secondly, you’ve caught me in a moment of feeling sorry for myself, so I guess responding to some random DM wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world. Then this happened…
Instagram dude: Hey, thanks for finally answering my message.
Me: You’re welcome.
IGD: Why did you ignore my message?
Me: Do you make a habit of messaging strangers and then chastising them for not responding immediately?
IGD: No, I just think you are very beautiful.
Me: Thank you. I had a team of professionals making sure my profile picture was amazing.
IGD: What are you doing right now?
Me: I need a new maid because the current one sucks, and also she is me.
IGD: If your maid does not do her work you should get a new one.
Me: (already bored with this conversation, sends a picture of the meme this very joke was taken from) It was a joke.
IGD: Proceeds to ask random questions in idiot’s English, repeating questions as if they’re new, irritating the ever loving hell out of me, then says “Give me your number. I don’t like messaging in Instagram.”
Me: I don’t think so Tim.
IGD: My name is not Tim. Can you message in Hangouts then?
Me: I don’t think so Tim…another joke….from a 90s sitcom. Why is messaging in Hangouts any different than IG?
IGD: I just prefer it.
Then the conversation moved to Hangouts, where Instagram dude started right the hell over with the very first question he asked in my DMs. My response “Do we really need to go over all of this again just because you wanted to switch messaging platforms?”
IGD: I am going to ask you 10 questions so we can get to know each other better OK. And then you will ask me questions.
Me: Whatever floats your boat.
IGD: Proceeds to ask the typical “girl on a blind date trying to figure out if you have money” questions. What do you do for a living? What do you drive? Do you own your home? Blah, blah, blah.
Me: Waits longer than 30 seconds to answer because I’m actually doing laundry, and my phone is charging NOT in the laundry room.
IGD: Why are you not answering me? How many other people are you talking to on here. This shows you are online, but you are ignoring me.
ME: Wow. Calm your tits buddy. I already told you I was doing laundry, and responding to this message is not my priority.
IGD: Why are you online if you don’t have time to talk.
Me: Starts answering Sir Creeps-a-lot’s questions.
IGD: I see you are typing but nothing is coming through. Why is it taking so long for you to answer my questions?
Me: Hits send, realizing this conversation is only continuing for the purposes of this very post.
IGD: Those are good answers. Now you must ask me questions, and if you want the same questions I asked you, you have to type them yourself.
Me: Ok…controlling much?
Me: starts typing questions
IGD: Hello, you need to ask me questions.
Me: Annoyed AF sends the following:
If you only had one week left to live, how would you spend it?
What is the most important thing you’ve learned from past relationships?
If you found a magic lamp, what would your 3 wishes be?
What is your favorite place you’ve ever been?
What is your biggest regret?
What is the best book you’ve read this year?
IGD: Those are very good questions. I would wish to be rich, and wish for more wishes. I don’t read books. My biggest regret is my ex.
Me: If you don’t read books, what do you read?
IGD: I don’t read at all.
Me: I don’t think I have time to talk to you anymore….ever.
IGD: I think you would be perfect for a serious relationship.
Me: You’re 100% right, but you’re not the other half of it.
I deleted Mr. Overbearing from my Hangouts contacts right after that ridiculous encounter. 3 days later I received yet another message on the Gram. It read “Why did you quit talking to me on Hangouts?”
Me: I think I was pretty clear when I told you that I didn’t want to talk to you anymore.
IGD: I thought we were getting along just fine.
Me: You thought wrong
IGD: But I’m moving to Salt Lake in September.
Me: Good for you.
IGD: I want to start a business and make lots of money.
Me: Best of luck to you.
IGD: You’ll wish you were nicer to me when I’m rich.
Me: I’m going to block you now. Best of luck finding someone who is in to the controlling type. A word of advice though, you may want to delete your fancy “talking about business” post and redo it with a phone that has the cords in it that go to the handset and wall. Attention to detail might get you a bit farther in your next scam.
IGD: You’re kind of a bitch.
Me: Bye now. Buh bye.