The one with the guest blogger therapy sesh

The one with the guest blogger therapy sesh

I’m 99% sure the entire purpose of this blog is to save myself money on therapy, so I’m happy to let other people use it for the exact same purpose, ESPECIALLY when those people know what it feels like trying to navigate the single life in a town so small it’s suffocating. So…without further adeiu, here’s a guest blogger therapy session.

“Take a breath. I’m going to tell you something that will change the rest of your life.” Those are some powerful words right there. What in the world could it be?! “I have a guy I want to you to talk to. He’s your future husband, I just know it!” Uuugghhh…. Someone has once again found my future husband.  How many future husbands does that make now? 

I can’t tell you how many times I have been involved in similar conversations. Many people have told me they have the perfect guy for me. But I have yet to have an actual conversation with any of these perfect guys. I always say to go for it and tell my friends to give them my number. What’s the worst that could happen? I get to have a conversation and get to know someone. I’m always down for that. You want to know what actually happens? Nothing. Nothing ever comes of it. 

After a few weeks, I meet back up with my friend and I can guarantee one of the first things out of their mouth is asking how its going with Mr. Future Husband. Then I get to explain why nothing has happened. And answer the plethora of questions that follow. Just yesterday I was told that it is my responsibility, since I will be out of town for several events, to contact Mr. Future Husband and let him know, just in case he was wanting to take me out. Excuse me? There’s been no contact yet. He’s not breaking down my door to ask me out. At the end of the conversation, no matter how well intentioned it is, I leave feeling like there’s something wrong with me. Because it’s always my fault as to why Mr. Future Husband hasn’t contacted me.

I’ve decided, I’m going to start turning it on the people who try to set me up. Did YOU give them my number? Oh, you told them I was neurotic, didn’t you? (Yes, that actually happened.) Are you sure he’s single?  What’s wrong with him? Why hasn’t he texted me? Facebook messaged me? Snapchatted me? Slid in to my Instagram DMs?

I don’t mind being set up. I really don’t. In fact, I’m always up for it. In this small town, it’s tough meeting new guys. But it’s always a bit of a let down to be told it’s my future husband or the perfect guy for me. When that phrase is uttered at the very beginning, I can almost guarantee that I’ll hear the crickets chirping.

***Note from the editor: I’m pretty sure NONE of these dudes have been the right ones for her anyway, because I’m fairly certain that behind the scenes it went something like “Who do I know who is STILL single? Ooh….that guy from accounting’s brother just moved back to town! Yeah, he’s perfect. I’m pretty sure I heard he’s divorced.” Besides, I’m fairly certain there’s a Hemsworth, Pine, or Evans who is perfect for her anyway.

Again with the anonymous guest blogger

Again with the anonymous guest blogger

When I go to weddings and older people come up to me and say “You’re next,” it just makes me want to go to funerals and return the favor. 😉 Just kidding. I don’t go to weddings unless there is absolutely no way I can get out of them, and I’d never say that to someone out loud anyway. Would I send a snarky snapchat to my best snapchat pals about it? Yes. Actually, I’d probably post it to my snap story and let everyone see it, because I think that crap is funny.

Speaking of my very best snapchat pals, I love it when they give me a chance to play editor, and let them anonymously post their stories for them. Some people aren’t so comfortable with the world knowing just how high their level of crazy can be at any given time. Go figure! Anyway, here’s another post from a fellow Utah single who just needs to vent or go crazy, and I prefer the anonymous venting option, because I like her on this side of a straight jacket. (BTW, I received the massage selfie that she speaks of, and it was amazing. I just want her to be my “lets blow a week of PTO on a spa weekend” partner in crime!)

Let’s be honest, being single has its perks. Over the last decade of my extended time being single, I have chosen to travel a bit. Nothing huge, nothing extravagant, but a little travel as my budget allows. I’m sure to friends from my little town, going to New York is a huge trip that seems like I’m out living my best life without a care in the world. Whatever, think that. None of my trips have been over the top, “I’m single, look at me do the things you can’t” kind of trip! I’m secretly a frugal freak. I use a strict budget and watch for awesome travel deals. (Birthday presents in the form of plane tickets are perfectly acceptable *wink, wink*.) I generally show a couple of snap shots of the trip: me at the Statue of Liberty, or sitting on the beach, and share them over various forms of social media. I choose to share via social media to show my friends what I’m up to that way I don’t have to send a ton of individual texts to people. All likes, responses, and replies are in one tidy place.

That being said…

I recently went on a little trip. Nothing extravagant. I went out of town for some spa time and self care. While out, I sent a Snapchat to a group of friends just showing them what I was up to. I immediately received the response back from one friend that simply said, “YOU’RE RUBBING YOUR SINGLEHOOD IN MY FACE!” I was immediately taken aback, maybe even hurt. I didn’t feel like the picture was anything scandalous or over-the-top. It was just a selfie of me at the spa sitting on the massage table. I did add a caption that I thought was funny but maybe it was taken the wrong way? We send pictures back and forth all the time. Many of which contain me doing something random and I have never received this type of response.

Then I began to think about the last few conversations I’ve had with this friend. Most being her explaining her life as a wife and mother. Her life revolves around her husband and children, as it should. Bobby is starting to walk or Susie is doing great in school. I want to hear these things. This is her current spot in life and I genuinely care.

When the time would come in the conversation that she would ask me what I was up to, I’d start to explain my life of working long hours. On a normal week my life is BORING. In fact, most weeks it is boring. I wake up, go to work, eat, go to sleep, and start the cycle all over again. No one wants to hear about the daily dealings with idiot coworkers. So what’s the next best thing? Oh, I have something fun in my life coming up, let me tell you about how excited I am about this little trip I’ve planned!

I have plenty of married friends who have adorable children and/or happy marriages. They post pictures of their happy wife, happy life moments. I don’t ever comment, “QUIT RUBBING YOUR HAPPILY MARRIED LIFE IN MY FACE!” I heart the picture and add the comment “ADORABLE family!” because that’s what I actually feel. I’m happy for you.

Maybe at this point I have the life you are dreaming of. Someone who can sneak away for a weekend and not have to worry about getting a babysitter or making sure meals are made for a husband. I can see how one might perceive it as a free life. Yes, it might be a little more relaxed than your life, but come on! There’s a good chance I might be a little jealous of your life, but I’m not going to go out of my way to make you feel like shit because you have the life I want. So, heart the damn picture and tell me to have fun and come back relaxed! Maybe next time I’ll invite you to join.

The one with the guest blogger

The one with the guest blogger

I have some of the most adorable friends ever. Some of them are avid readers of the blog (sorry for letting you down with the lack of posting lately BTW), and snap me after reading some of the posts with “OMG girl! Same!!” They get it. The apparent offensiveness of being over 20 and single in a small town is just too much for some people to remain silent about. I love it when people share their stories of what people say to them about being single; it’s ever so nice to know that I’m not alone in some of the completely off the wall comments. I love it even more when they email them and say “Put this on your blog, because I want to remain anonymous.” So without further adeiu….the one with the guest blogger:

Are you single? Are you dating anyone?

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been asked why I’m single. Seriously. Its NUMEROUS times a day, week, month, and year. I can honestly say that in the last 4 months, not one day has gone by without at least one person making some type of comment. (136 days to be exact. I’ve kept track) I know people want the best for me, are concerned for me, want me to be happy, blah, blah, blah. But let’s be honest, every time someone starts the conversation with, “Are you dating anyone?”, it feels as though they are reaching in my chest pulling my heart out, throwing it on the dirty ground, and stomping it. Instead of asking me how I’m doing or what exciting things are going on in my life. Instant shut down. I don’t want to talk to you any longer. I will find any possible way to get out of the conversation in the next 30 seconds. I’ve even been known to start up a conversation with a perfect stranger to get out of the awkwardness…

Sometimes along with the questions dripping with concern come the awkward questions… “Are you sure you’re not a lesbian?” I know what vaginas do, I’ll pass. “Have you tried a dating app?” Yep. Sure have. Still occasionally dabble in a few. Dick pics daily. Do want me send them to you? “What if you moved out of this small town?” Did that. Still didn’t get married “I know this friend’s brother’s roommate’s cousin who JUST got out jail and “has cleaned up his life” He’d be perfect for you!” No thanks. Skip card. Next player. “Are you sure you don’t want to switch sides?” I’m moody, hormonal, and no one wants 2 of me in a relationship. The world would burn. “Are you dating at all?” I am dating occasionally. I just don’t tell everyone about every. single. first. date. “Is there anyone on the horizon?” Yeah… I’m sure there’s a guy out there standing on the horizon just waiting patiently for me to come and ride off into the sunset with him. Just don’t know who he is.

My favorite is the way most conversations end. “You’re so awesome! I can’t figure out why you haven’t been snatched up yet!” is like you’re trying to shove this broken shell of what once was my heart back into my chest. Exaggeration? Nah… I can’t figure it out either. And you saying that makes me wonder what really is wrong with me. Am I ugly, fat, too much gray hair, too much acne, too many wrinkles, a heartless hag, a disgusting trash person? No clue, but thanks for bringing it up & making me concentrate on all my insecurities…

Why is my being single THE WORST thing to happen? I’ve seen too many of my friends end up in loveless marriages, get divorced, cheat, the list goes on and on. I’d rather be single than deal with that whole mess. But really, let’s think about it. If being single is the worst thing about me, I’m doing pretty damn good!

So, thank you for your concern. I’m doing just fine being single. Next time you start a conversation with your single friend by saying, “Are you dating anyone?” don’t be surprised when the reply is a sassy “Hell hasn’t frozen over yet.”