So that happened…

So that happened…

I think I already need a new, new dermatologist. Why? Because skin cancer is a big deal, and when one starts going through risk factors, I light them up like a Christmas tree.

  • Fair skin that burns easily, check
  • Tanning bed use, particularly before the age of 30, check
  • Blue eyes, check
  • Freckles and moles, check
  • History of sun burns early in life, Check, check, checkity check.

But why the new, new dermatologist? Well, I’m not all that fond of the ONLY local option, so I’ve mostly relied on self checks, and having my family practice doctor remove any concerning spots, but I really need some help from an actual professional in the form of some annual mole mapping to more effectively check for any changes that could be concerning. I mean, I’m a little bit flexible, but I still can’t see my back well enough to be confident that there’s nothing serious going on back there, and there’s nobody looking at my back on the regular for me.

I asked some friends for recommendations on who they go to, did some research, and found a practice that is covered by my insurance, AND schedules Saturday office hours once a month so I don’t have to take time off work. #winning Here’s where it gets awkward though.

A few weeks ago, I was having drinks with this guy out of town. He was cool, but I was heading out with some friends later, so I declined his invitation to go back to his place. I’m still not sure if that had more to do with the fact I was going out with friends, or if it was because 2 days before that, I got low key slut shamed (for absolutely no reason, btw) by some arrogant asshole who poses as a friend, but the fact of the matter, remains that I didn’t go home with the guy.

Monday I got the calendar reminder of my appointment this Saturday morning, with the name of the doctor I’m seeing. You know where this is going…I looked him up…he’s the guy from the bar…the one I didn’t go home with. The one I probably should have gone home with, because now, if I don’t cancel my appointment and find a new, new dermatologist, only one of us is getting naked, nobody is going to enjoy it, and I’m going to have to pay for it.

 

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Why are Mom Jeans making a comeback?!

Why are Mom Jeans making a comeback?!

This weekend, I stopped at a friend’s house and left with 6 pairs of jeans that she was getting rid of. Trading clothes with your girlfriends is the best. It really is. We had a nice little fashion show while trying everything on, then threw my new goodies in my trunk and went to brunch. When I got home, I threw them all in the washing machine and actually hung them up when they were dry, instead of sharing a queen sized bed with a pile of clean laundry (my most common “relationship” status btw, second only to sleeping diagonally across a queen sized bed).

This morning, I pulled a pair of jeans from the closet, threw them on, and left for work. Fast forward not even 2 hours in to the day, and I was going completely INSANE!! Why? High waist jeans. How on God’s green earth did we deal with these in the 80s and 90s? Really, I want to know. I mean, I fondly remember my Guess, Jones New York, Silver, and JNCO jeans of the 90s, but what I don’t remember was how insanely uncomfortable it was to wear jeans with a waistband set so high it could damn near double as the band on your mother F wording bra! (Clearly they’re not QUITE that high, but you get the picture.) I’m not 100% positive that the jeans cut so low you have to shave or wax your you know what of the late 90s and early 2000s were not in rebellious direct response to these mom jean monstrosities! I get it now. I really do!

I mean, I’m not in any hurry to go back to pants with a 1 1/2 inch zipper, because Lord knows after having a kid, those don’t do me ANY freaking favors. Honestly, even in the middle of a damn eating disorder, those ultra low rise jeans didn’t do me any favors,  but I’ll still pass on the jeans that can double as a bra too. Mom jeans shouldn’t make a comeback, and the only reason the ones I have on now aren’t going straight in to the donation pile….or trash….is because at some point, I’m going to fail at adulting, and be completely out of clean clothes, and at that point, the mom jeans MIGHT be a better choice than a skirt, and that’s only because they don’t require you to shave your legs (and other areas) without the promise of a pedicure, doctor’s appointment, or on the chance hell might be freezing over….a promising date.

So you think want an independent woman?

So you think want an independent woman?

“I just want a woman who can take care of herself. I don’t want someone who needs rescued. If she can take care of her own shit, we’re going to get along fine.”

Doesn’t that just sound great? First of all, to clarify, I do not want a woman, independent or otherwise. It’s cool if you’re a girl and that’s what you want, but I don’t. That “I want an independent woman” thing, that’s just something I hear…a lot….from people who really don’t know what the hell they want, but they know THAT sounds good.

I may have lost a friend over this a few weeks ago. I mean, they’ll probably get over their hurt feelings and be just fine, but who knows. Sometimes hearing the truth is just a little painful. Still, I was at brunch with a friend a few weeks ago. We were commiserating over how stupid dating is lately, and how it’s a giant pain, because really, once you focus on actually dating, instead of just meeting cool people and letting things happen if they’re going to happen without stressing over defining the “relationship”, dating is a giant joke anymore. Anyway, this friend told me “I don’t know why it’s so hard to find a girl who isn’t just looking for a paycheck. I feel like everyone I’ve met is just looking for someone to rescue them. Like they don’t know how to function on their own, so they need someone else there to fix everything for them.”

Dumbfounded, I looked at him and asked him to elaborate further. He said “The last girl I dated just always needed something. She never tried to pay for anything. She was always on the verge of having her phone shut off, needed help with daycare, was having car problems, you name it. I just felt like I was there to pay for EVERYTHING.”

Ok, fair enough. I would feel like that too. But then I asked him why we don’t hang out more often, and he said “We get along great, but you are ALWAYS at work, or out of town, or volunteering somewhere. It’s hard to make our schedules work out. I can’t just call you one day and say ‘Hey, let’s grab dinner’ and have you be able to do it.”

“Do you realize how absolutely stupid that sounds,” I asked him. “Seriously though, can you just sit and reflect on that? First of all, there are PLENTY of times when I can just drop everything and grab dinner, or lunch, or whatever, but you’ve got to be worth the time it takes to do that, because when I do, I’ve got to rearrange my schedule to fit this stuff in somewhere else, and usually, unless you’re already a good friend, one of the best bitches, my kid, or you’re incredibly hot and way out of my league, you’ve not really done anything to be worth the effort it takes to shuffle things around with no notice.”

He looked at me and responded “It’s just so hard, you know. When I’m on days off, I just want to be able to do things spontaneously. You’re a good friend, so I don’t care if it takes a while to hang out with you, but if I’m dating someone I want to be able to just take off and do something. I don’t want to have to jump through hoops to find a day or time that works.”

Cool. Here’s your problem though: you can either have a girl (I mean, this is the same for guys too) who can drop everything and do whatever you want whenever you want her to be able to do it, and you’re probably going to have to pay for a disproportionate amount of things, or deal with her drama, or any of the plethora of “problems” that one runs in to with people who can’t handle their own life OR you can have a girl who can handle her own shit, but you have to put forth a little effort when you want to do something with her, because she’s busy…handling her own shit. You don’t get to have it both ways, because not everyone can find their trust fund honey who has the ability to take care of themselves AND never have to work. There’s just not enough of those to go around, so before you say “I just want a woman who can take care of herself,” realize that this means you’re not going to be her number 1 priority; she’s already given that position to herself.

Again with the anonymous guest blogger

Again with the anonymous guest blogger

When I go to weddings and older people come up to me and say “You’re next,” it just makes me want to go to funerals and return the favor. 😉 Just kidding. I don’t go to weddings unless there is absolutely no way I can get out of them, and I’d never say that to someone out loud anyway. Would I send a snarky snapchat to my best snapchat pals about it? Yes. Actually, I’d probably post it to my snap story and let everyone see it, because I think that crap is funny.

Speaking of my very best snapchat pals, I love it when they give me a chance to play editor, and let them anonymously post their stories for them. Some people aren’t so comfortable with the world knowing just how high their level of crazy can be at any given time. Go figure! Anyway, here’s another post from a fellow Utah single who just needs to vent or go crazy, and I prefer the anonymous venting option, because I like her on this side of a straight jacket. (BTW, I received the massage selfie that she speaks of, and it was amazing. I just want her to be my “lets blow a week of PTO on a spa weekend” partner in crime!)

Let’s be honest, being single has its perks. Over the last decade of my extended time being single, I have chosen to travel a bit. Nothing huge, nothing extravagant, but a little travel as my budget allows. I’m sure to friends from my little town, going to New York is a huge trip that seems like I’m out living my best life without a care in the world. Whatever, think that. None of my trips have been over the top, “I’m single, look at me do the things you can’t” kind of trip! I’m secretly a frugal freak. I use a strict budget and watch for awesome travel deals. (Birthday presents in the form of plane tickets are perfectly acceptable *wink, wink*.) I generally show a couple of snap shots of the trip: me at the Statue of Liberty, or sitting on the beach, and share them over various forms of social media. I choose to share via social media to show my friends what I’m up to that way I don’t have to send a ton of individual texts to people. All likes, responses, and replies are in one tidy place.

That being said…

I recently went on a little trip. Nothing extravagant. I went out of town for some spa time and self care. While out, I sent a Snapchat to a group of friends just showing them what I was up to. I immediately received the response back from one friend that simply said, “YOU’RE RUBBING YOUR SINGLEHOOD IN MY FACE!” I was immediately taken aback, maybe even hurt. I didn’t feel like the picture was anything scandalous or over-the-top. It was just a selfie of me at the spa sitting on the massage table. I did add a caption that I thought was funny but maybe it was taken the wrong way? We send pictures back and forth all the time. Many of which contain me doing something random and I have never received this type of response.

Then I began to think about the last few conversations I’ve had with this friend. Most being her explaining her life as a wife and mother. Her life revolves around her husband and children, as it should. Bobby is starting to walk or Susie is doing great in school. I want to hear these things. This is her current spot in life and I genuinely care.

When the time would come in the conversation that she would ask me what I was up to, I’d start to explain my life of working long hours. On a normal week my life is BORING. In fact, most weeks it is boring. I wake up, go to work, eat, go to sleep, and start the cycle all over again. No one wants to hear about the daily dealings with idiot coworkers. So what’s the next best thing? Oh, I have something fun in my life coming up, let me tell you about how excited I am about this little trip I’ve planned!

I have plenty of married friends who have adorable children and/or happy marriages. They post pictures of their happy wife, happy life moments. I don’t ever comment, “QUIT RUBBING YOUR HAPPILY MARRIED LIFE IN MY FACE!” I heart the picture and add the comment “ADORABLE family!” because that’s what I actually feel. I’m happy for you.

Maybe at this point I have the life you are dreaming of. Someone who can sneak away for a weekend and not have to worry about getting a babysitter or making sure meals are made for a husband. I can see how one might perceive it as a free life. Yes, it might be a little more relaxed than your life, but come on! There’s a good chance I might be a little jealous of your life, but I’m not going to go out of my way to make you feel like shit because you have the life I want. So, heart the damn picture and tell me to have fun and come back relaxed! Maybe next time I’ll invite you to join.

I’m just looking for someone to buy me a Bentley: an experiment in online dating.

I’m just looking for someone to buy me a Bentley: an experiment in online dating.

A while ago (ok, it was on my birthday this year), I received a text that said “You should reward and pamper yourself. Spend the whole day in bed. You don’t look like you’re 38 at all, at most 34. Go find a boyfriend. Maybe try online dating. Don’t just immerse yourself earning money.” (Hey…immerse myself in earning money is a bit harsh. I’m just doing what it takes to pay the bills, and unfortunately this means working all the damn time, so there’s that.) Why though? This was in response to me telling this person that I was celebrating my birthday by working, just like any normal Friday, because I’m not 12 and I’d rather not acknowledge the fact that I’m old. That spending the whole day in bed did sound appealing though!

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I can’t even count the number of times I’ve heard some variation of “have you ever considered online dating,” or “maybe you need to lower your standards a little bit,” or “maybe if you looked outside of the area with one of those apps you’d have better luck.” Thanks…I get it, but you know what? I’m not Jerry Maguire, and I don’t REALLY need anyone to complete me. I’ve been single for a while now. It’s working out pretty well. Like…I think I’m the one, although it wouldn’t be all bad to have someone to join in on that whole spend the whole day (or 20 minutes or so on the regular) in bed advice. 😉 😉

What she didn’t know though, was I was already trying online dating. I mean, not for finding a boyfriend, because the thought of actively trying to do that is overwhelmingly daunting. I mean, last time someone asked me what I was looking for in a relationship, I told them “Someone I’m comfortable enough around that the relationship happens before I realize I’m in one. It’s best if I don’t realize I tripped in to some feelings until it’s too late to just brush that shit off.” They slapped me, I laughed, and that was the end of it. Still, I was already messing around with online dating simply so I could answer the question “What are you looking for here” with “TBH, I’m just looking for someone to buy me a Bentley,” and so began a whole slew of instant unmatches, and some rather fantastic responses.

  • You’re worth a Geo Metro at best.
  • What if I just give you my Bentley?
  • You realize that’s like a quarter of a million for a car don’t you?
  • Wanna leak a sex tape with me? It worked for Kim Kardashian.
  • How about unlimited rides on my disco stick instead? (Throwing down the Lady Gaga reference…good one.)
  • I hope you’re not serious, because there’s no world where you or any chick is worth a Bentley!
  • What color would you like, and are you comfortable “working it off” at the going rate? 😉 😉
  • I named my d!ck “Bentley” just for you. (This came several times, along with a shit ton of unsolicited pictures.)

One of my very personal favorites though: “I’m gonna need to see a topless picture first.” Yeah…let me get right on that….

I’m just looking for someone to buy me a Bentley. I’m really not, but I wouldn’t turn one down either, provided it came with the insurance prepaid too, and a new house to park it at. I mean, I’m not looking for someone to “complete me” but I’d sell my soul if the price was right…