10 things I’d do if I won the Powerball

10 things I’d do if I won the Powerball


The current Powerball lottery is sitting at an amount of money so large, I can hardly even fathom having that kind of cash. Sidenote: It must be nice to be someone like Warren Buffet, Mark Zuckerberg, or that Nigerian prince who’s always trying to move a fortune out of the country and needs your help to do it. To have that kind of money at your disposal would be just a little bit awesome. If I won the lottery though, if I was fortunate to be that 1 in 292 million to walk away with over seven freaking hundred million dollars, there’s no way I’d take it all at once. Why should I give the government any more of it than they “need” for taxes? Nope. I’d take the 30 year annuity, because $23,000,000 is more than enough cash to go around. I can live pretty damn large, and still be nice and philanthropic (racking up the tax deductions there) with 23 million dollars a year.

Sometimes it’s nice to live in a dream world and think about what you’d do with that kind of cash. Currently, my list of things I’d do if I won the lottery looks a bit like this:

  1. I’m paying off my debt, my family’s debt, and the debt of a few close friends, and then buying myself a much nicer home.
  2. Speaking of real estate, I’m buying a Soho loft, something spectacular in the Pacific Northwest, and a little something more centrally located in the country. These will be landing grounds for my inevitable vacations, and of course available to friends and family. The real friends, not the ones who came out of the woodwork when I became rich all of the sudden. Obviously, these properties are going to have to be acquired over time, since I only have $23,000,000 a year to work with.
  3. I’m hiring THE best Father’s Rights attorney in the country. I’ve got a couple of great friends who are great dads, and they’re getting screwed big time, and NOT in the fun way. Dads matter too, and if you mess with my friends like that, I’m going to bring the big guns to the fight.
  4. I should probably set up a trust fund for the kid, who will have to continue to work even after I’m loaded, because he needs to learn what it’s like to figure shit out on your own.
  5. Spending an hour or so on the air without a filter sounds like a fabulous idea. We’ll say whatever we want, and then just send the FCC a check, so when the complaints roll in, we’re covered. It’ll be worth every second of it.
  6. I’ll be funding my own cancer research team. They’ll create better treatments on the route to eliminating cancer all together. Our treatments will be affordable, because I’m not an asshole, and I don’t need to make a profit from terminally ill people, or force people to die because they can’t afford treatment.
  7. Some of my very best friends are crazy about animals, so I’d definitely have to throw some cash towards fur baby rescues.
  8. I want a week at the Smithsonian Museums, with only a select group of people joining me. Insanely cool history with NO crowds. That’s my cup of tea!
  9. Live music and theater are the coolest. I’m going to every single performance I want to, and maybe I’ll just have to throw in some private shows as well. Fall Out Boy for Halloween? Sure! Ultimate 90’s reunions for Throwback Thursdays? Why not?! Private performance from Justin Timberlake just because it’s a day that ends in “y”? Sounds good to me!
  10. I think I’d like to finally figure out how much money it takes to make Mark Zuckerberg put the Facebook and Instagram algorithms back to the way they were when you could open them and see what was posted most recently and work your way back from there instead of the hot mess that they are now.

Bonus: Maybe I’d finally figure out a way to like running again. You know…something like John Stamos saying “I’m going for a run. If you can keep up, we can be seen holding hands in public or something.” Yeah…that’d do it.

I mean, it’s not going to happen, but a girl can dream right?


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