My kid tends to be an idiot. I can say this here, because I say it to his face, and I don’t regret it at all. I can also say it, because he’s 18 and he knows everything, which really solidifies the conclusion that he tends to be an idiot.
Yesterday, el tonto asked me “Would you rather I chew, or smoke?”
“Well,” I told him, already annoyed that he was waking me up to ask me this, “considering you’re 18 which makes them both illegal for you, and given the fact that they’re both absolutely repulsive habits, and you’re on MY health insurance, I’d prefer you didn’t do either one.”
He said “That’s not an option. You have to pick one.”
At this point, I told him he was number one with my favorite finger and responded, “If you’re that hell-bent on getting cancer, you may as well keep them both up, quit eating any kind of healthy food, and start tanning daily too. It’ll help clear up some of your acne from never washing your face with the hella expensive Rodan and Fields skin care I bought you, and you’ll have nice tan skin and melanoma to go along with your lung, throat, esophageal, stomach, and gum cancer. Plus all the money you spend trying to get cancer will help your goals of never having anything nice or God forbid, your own place. I hear chicks really dig guys who live at home with their mom for their entire life. Go big or go home sweetheart.”
He rolled his eyes, mumbled something about me being stupid under his breath, and stomped up the stairs like a herd of elephants. I’m pretty sure this is why my baby making parts jumped ship right along with him when he was born. There’s no way in hell I could do this more than once…
So Happily Never After 