You clearly broke up with your girlfriend…

You clearly broke up with your girlfriend…

GIRLFRIEND

“Oh, hey there!”

I knew that message was coming. I knew it was on its way since the “love of your life” posted on Facebook that your relationship was over and removed every bit of evidence that you ever existed as a couple. That was a short 3 months!

I expected it, because the very day before you were a Facebook official couple, “Hey you sexy thing” was the message I got, while I was at a giant work function and couldn’t respond. That was a blessing, because lord knows I DIDN’T want to respond to that anyway.

You belong to an amazing group of my friends, and it’s fun as can be when we’re all together. She belongs to another amazing group of friends, so I saw the whole thing unfold. I know how that timeline played out. The texting me all day long, then heading out on a date with her, then texting me again “Hey you sexy thing” mere hours before you’re both in love with the best person ever. She deserves better than that. You deserve to be better than that.

Look. I get why you want to hang out. I get why you THINK you want a relationship with me, and figure the best way to do that is to just be my friend, and try to help with my problems, but here’s the thing…I prefer it when my friends actually talk to me even when they’re in a relationship. I’m actually not fond at all of being vapor just because you have a warm body next to you at night. Not to toot my own horn or anything, but most of the time, I’m fun as hell to be around. I mean, playing Cards Against Humanity clearly taught you that about me, and it’s not like I have this radio gig because I’m boring AF.

Believe it or not, this actually works in the real world. It IS ok to still talk to someone you consider a friend when you’re in a relationship with someone else.  I promise, a quick text, Facebook message, or Snapchat once in a while isn’t going to make me think we’re meant to be. (I actually maybe just threw up a little in my mouth at that thought.) If you REALLY only wanted to be a friend, you don’t need to pretend I don’t exist while you’re around the flavor of the week (I know…it was more like a quarter…this time. Whatev…), because sweetheart, I have no interest in being one of your 31 flavors.

 

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She’s an older lady….

She’s an older lady….

We’ve had some turnover at work lately and are looking for employees. As I was considering banging my head against my desk while trying to figure out the schedule for next week, it occurred to me that 1- this HR position sucks, and not in the fun way, and 2- perhaps I should ask the girl who is still here how the interview she did today went so I could see if we’re any closer to having new employees.

When I asked her how she felt about the interview she said “Well, we’re kind of on the fence. She’s an older lady, and she’s more used to office jobs. I think she might have a hard time with the faster pace we need to have here.”

The girl they interviewed was 2 or 3 (maybe more) years younger than I am.

“She’s an older lady….” Shit..I’m done. Stop this train, I want to get off!

 

10 things I’d do if I won the Powerball

10 things I’d do if I won the Powerball

millionaire

The current Powerball lottery is sitting at an amount of money so large, I can hardly even fathom having that kind of cash. Sidenote: It must be nice to be someone like Warren Buffet, Mark Zuckerberg, or that Nigerian prince who’s always trying to move a fortune out of the country and needs your help to do it. To have that kind of money at your disposal would be just a little bit awesome. If I won the lottery though, if I was fortunate to be that 1 in 292 million to walk away with over seven freaking hundred million dollars, there’s no way I’d take it all at once. Why should I give the government any more of it than they “need” for taxes? Nope. I’d take the 30 year annuity, because $23,000,000 is more than enough cash to go around. I can live pretty damn large, and still be nice and philanthropic (racking up the tax deductions there) with 23 million dollars a year.

Sometimes it’s nice to live in a dream world and think about what you’d do with that kind of cash. Currently, my list of things I’d do if I won the lottery looks a bit like this:

  1. I’m paying off my debt, my family’s debt, and the debt of a few close friends, and then buying myself a much nicer home.
  2. Speaking of real estate, I’m buying a Soho loft, something spectacular in the Pacific Northwest, and a little something more centrally located in the country. These will be landing grounds for my inevitable vacations, and of course available to friends and family. The real friends, not the ones who came out of the woodwork when I became rich all of the sudden. Obviously, these properties are going to have to be acquired over time, since I only have $23,000,000 a year to work with.
  3. I’m hiring THE best Father’s Rights attorney in the country. I’ve got a couple of great friends who are great dads, and they’re getting screwed big time, and NOT in the fun way. Dads matter too, and if you mess with my friends like that, I’m going to bring the big guns to the fight.
  4. I should probably set up a trust fund for the kid, who will have to continue to work even after I’m loaded, because he needs to learn what it’s like to figure shit out on your own.
  5. Spending an hour or so on the air without a filter sounds like a fabulous idea. We’ll say whatever we want, and then just send the FCC a check, so when the complaints roll in, we’re covered. It’ll be worth every second of it.
  6. I’ll be funding my own cancer research team. They’ll create better treatments on the route to eliminating cancer all together. Our treatments will be affordable, because I’m not an asshole, and I don’t need to make a profit from terminally ill people, or force people to die because they can’t afford treatment.
  7. Some of my very best friends are crazy about animals, so I’d definitely have to throw some cash towards fur baby rescues.
  8. I want a week at the Smithsonian Museums, with only a select group of people joining me. Insanely cool history with NO crowds. That’s my cup of tea!
  9. Live music and theater are the coolest. I’m going to every single performance I want to, and maybe I’ll just have to throw in some private shows as well. Fall Out Boy for Halloween? Sure! Ultimate 90’s reunions for Throwback Thursdays? Why not?! Private performance from Justin Timberlake just because it’s a day that ends in “y”? Sounds good to me!
  10. I think I’d like to finally figure out how much money it takes to make Mark Zuckerberg put the Facebook and Instagram algorithms back to the way they were when you could open them and see what was posted most recently and work your way back from there instead of the hot mess that they are now.

Bonus: Maybe I’d finally figure out a way to like running again. You know…something like John Stamos saying “I’m going for a run. If you can keep up, we can be seen holding hands in public or something.” Yeah…that’d do it.

I mean, it’s not going to happen, but a girl can dream right?

Since you’re hell bent on getting cancer…

Since you’re hell bent on getting cancer…

My kid tends to be an idiot. I can say this here, because I say it to his face, and I don’t regret it at all. I can also say it, because he’s 18 and he knows everything, which really solidifies the conclusion that he tends to be an idiot.

Yesterday, el tonto asked me “Would you rather I chew, or smoke?”

“Well,” I told him, already annoyed that he was waking me up to ask me this, “considering you’re 18 which makes them both illegal for you, and given the fact that they’re both absolutely repulsive habits, and you’re on MY health insurance, I’d prefer you didn’t do either one.”

He said “That’s not an option. You have to pick one.”

At this point, I told him he was number one with my favorite finger and responded, “If you’re that hell-bent on getting cancer, you may as well keep them both up, quit eating any kind of healthy food, and start tanning daily too. It’ll help clear up some of your acne from never washing your face with the hella expensive Rodan and Fields skin care I bought you, and you’ll have nice tan skin and melanoma to go along with your lung, throat, esophageal, stomach, and gum cancer. Plus all the money you spend trying to get cancer will help your goals of never having anything nice or God forbid, your own place. I hear chicks really dig guys who live at home with their mom for their entire life. Go big or go home sweetheart.”

He rolled his eyes, mumbled something about me being stupid under his breath, and stomped up the stairs like a herd of elephants. I’m pretty sure this is why my baby making parts jumped ship right along with him when he was born. There’s no way in hell I could do this more than once…

 

You’re cute, but you’re kind of dumb.

You’re cute, but you’re kind of dumb.

I finally gave up on my Galaxy S5 over the weekend. Fortunately, my amazing friends didn’t mind joining me at Best Buy to grab a new one since they had a sweet deal where they give you $300 off on your phone when you purchased it there. Unfortunately, I soon discovered that $300 instant rebate is just a little something they need to give you for the inconvenience of having to set foot in a Best Buy store.

I met with a Samsung representative who gave me the rundown on the differences between the S8 and the S8+, but didn’t know whether or not either one had the option to add a memory card for additional memory. That’s not that big of a deal, since I can google that myself, AND this phone has 4 times the memory of my current phone. In the end, I opted for the S8 because I simply didn’t NEED the extra $150 worth of phone. At this point, my Samsung rep passed me off to a Verizon guy who told me they didn’t have that phone, but was kind enough to call around and see if another Best Buy in the area had it. They did, so off we went to Best Buy number 2.

We were instantly greeted by someone, so I told them what I needed, and waited for a minute while he grabbed my phone, verified identity, activated it and sent me over to the Samsung representative to transfer files from my old phone to my new phone. I mean, I could do it myself, but they have all of the tools to do it, and it should have only taken a few minutes. WRONG!

The guy was hot as can be, so we didn’t mind waiting for a little bit while this so-called expert messed around with the old phone/new phone exchange. He was looking for cables, and finally said “I don’t have the cable I need to do this. We’ll have to do this with the wireless option. It would have been a lot easier if they had you download Smart Switch on your old phone before they shut it off, because the free WiFi here is horrible.”

Umm….First of all, you are literally inside of a Best Buy. I’m guessing there are at least 30 of the cable you need to transfer files from one phone to another for sale less than 50 feet away from the shiny phone display, so there’s that. Instead, I told him “Well, you could just turn on a mobile hotspot with my new phone, and use that to download Smart Switch on my old phone.” He replied “Oh, yeah. I don’t know why I didn’t think of that. I guess you can learn things from your customers.”

Of course it still wasn’t smooth sailing after that, since apparently you must have sufficient memory on the old phone to transfer crap off of it and to the new phone. It makes no sense to me, but whatever. He wasn’t able to transfer everything all at once, so he started going through everything and listing what he didn’t need to do. Call me crazy, but I’m pretty sure you can just complete the transfer process one section at a time, but then he’s the Samsung expert, so what do I know?! Anyway, conversation progressed a little something like this for the next 45 minutes:

  • You have over 2000 contacts. Do you really need all of those? (Well, since they’re saved in my phone, I’m going to go with, yes. Yes, I need those over 2000 contacts transferred over to the new phone.)
  • Do you need ALL of the apps sent to the new phone? You can just download them again from the play store. (Holy shit, why didn’t I think of that?! I had no idea I could get free apps again from the play store. Why would I want you to transfer them from one phone to the next with their passwords and cached data when I could just download them and start again fresh from the play store?!)
  • Do I need to move your pictures too? (Well, they’re saved to the removable memory card, so I suppose that’s not necessary.)
  • How do you have 30,000 text messages on your phone? That’s like 3 years worth of them. Nobody needs to save that many texts. (Fun fact…that’s only about 5-6 months of texts. I have over 2000 contacts in my phone, remember? That’s not an unreal amount of text messages. A lot of them are business related, and yes, I do need them.)

At some point, he just gave up on it, said something about some free classes they were doing next week, and started typing something on his laptop. We sat there for a minute or 2 before I asked him “So, are we done with you?” He said “Well, you can sit here and talk to me until I get off work in an hour if you want, but I’m done with your phone. Don’t forget about the Samsung classes next week. They’re free, so you should come to them.”

I asked, “Do you want me to teach them for you or something?”

He said, “I teach the classes,” with a confused look on his face.

“Ok. Well, I think I’m going to pass, because with the exception of learning how to get Bixby to spit some sick beats, everything that we did to my phone today, I showed YOU how to do. You’re cute and all, but you’re a little dumb when it comes to this phone.” Yeah, I said that out loud. Yes, it was a little mean, but seriously, the Samsung “expert” didn’t know anything about their latest phone release except how to make the digital assistant rap, which was cool, but it didn’t get my files transferred for me. I did that myself in about 10 minutes after leaving the store.

At least they saved me $300 on the phone, if you don’t count the value of my wasted time. They also had a 90’s/early 2000’s Pandora station playing in the store, so it wasn’t entirely a waste. Plus, Bixby does rap better than Siri, so there’s that.

 

 

Self imposed limitations

Self imposed limitations

I can’t do it.

It’s probably one of the most damaging, and easily spoken 4 word sentences I’ve ever said to myself. I use it often, usually without even thinking about why I’m saying it, or how I could change it. I think it’s a pretty common sentence for ALL of us. It wasn’t until about 5 years ago that I even learned just how bad it is to use that sentence while talking to myself, but 5 years ago with the addition of 1 simple word, that sentence changed.

After about a month of “you should try this,” a very good friend of mine and I drank the CrossFit Kool-Aid. Holy crap was it ever intense, but we jumped right in, and went at it sometimes with all we had, and sometimes with just what it took to get through the WOD without feeling like we were going to breathe our very last breath right there in the middle of VCF1.

One particular day, after the warm up, our coach was showing the class what the WOD for that day consisted of. It was probably muscle ups, or ring dips, HSPU, or something that required a ridiculous amount of shoulder and upper body strength that neither one of us had. At any rate, it was something we would have skipped if we had been smart enough to look at the WOD blog on the website before we went to class that day. As everyone else started getting ready to jump right in to it, he could see our hesitation, and probably heard us talking about sneaking out and going for ice cream instead. He said something to us, and I don’t remember the exact words here, but it was most likely something like “Get your asses over there so we can start.” That’s when we each, almost in unison said it: “I can’t do it.”

I think we both expected something other than what came out of his mouth next. I don’t know what exactly we expected, but it definitely wasn’t what he said.

“Yet,” he said. “I can’t do it yet.”

That one three-letter word changed our entire outlook, not only on all things CrossFit related, but in every other aspect of life too.

Last month, a friend of mine invited me to go to Paint Night with her. I can barely draw recognizable stick figures, so I REALLY wasn’t expecting anything great out of Paint Night. In fact, the only reason I even agreed to go, is that a night out with the girls doing ANYTHING is better than one spent at home alone, and I have more than enough of those kind of nights. As I walked in the door and saw the canvases and paints on the tables, and the finished pieces hanging on the wall, I thought to myself “I can’t do this.”

“Yet.” The word rang loud and clear in my head, almost as if my friend was standing right there saying it to me.

He was right. Even though he wasn’t there at Paint Night. Even though he isn’t there most of the times I try to tell myself “I can’t do this.” He was right that day at CrossFit, and he’s been right every single time I apply it to anything else. “I can’t do it YET, but I will some day.” And now, thanks to Paint Night, I have this reminder of what happens when you stop saying “I can’t do it,” and start saying “I can’t do it yet.”

paint nite