My 18-year-old, know it all man-child has been driving me up a freaking wall lately. By lately, I mean, reasonably for the last 4 years at least. You know the drill, I don’t know anything, I’m the meanest mom in the entire world, and my personal favorite, you abuse me (The reasons for this are INSANE….for instance, I don’t buy white bread. Who knew that was child abuse?!).
On a daily basis, I think to myself, at least once, any of the following things, if not all of them:
- Why do you keep coming home?
- Just move the hell out.
- Get a f*cking job!!
- Buy your own damn white bread.
- Cut that God awful mullet off.
- Stop talking like an uneducated effing hick. IT’S NOT F*CKING COOL!!
- Try drinking some water for once. I’m not buying a damn gallon of milk every single day.
It’s honestly got to the point that any time he’s actually nice, the only thing I can think of is “What the hell do you want?!” Every occasional “I love you mom” triggers an instant “What the f did you do?” And every single time someone says “You’ll miss this some day,” or “There are plenty of people praying for what you have,” it takes every fiber of my being to not punch them in their stupid throat. NOBODY misses this shit. I’ve literally never met a single person that said “My kid was SUCH an asshole. I miss that so much.”
Last week, through a series of events that I’m not privy to, my boss and a friend of mine managed to come up with a job for my kid. I don’t know what kind of strings were pulled, but this is a damn good chance for a kid who dropped out of high school and has really just been a damn drain on society for the past 18 months. Seriously, it’s a miracle, and there is no possible way to sufficiently thank either of the 2 men who made it happen. Even more so, his new boss managed to get him to cut that ridiculous mullet off. For that, I owe him my undying gratitude, because seriously, that mullet was disgusting, and though I can’t post a picture of the new and improved look, because he’d probably kill me if he saw it on the blog….or knew the blog even existed…I can drop an Instagram link, and you can see it for yourself. This kid FINALLY looks presentable again! Hallelujah!
He has a job (let’s hope he manages to KEEP it), the mullet is gone, AND, my friend that is employing him won’t let him take smoke breaks, so if the new boss has his way, within 3 months, he can kiss that stupid ass habit goodbye as well. Even better, he can buy his own stupid white bread, and finally start paying back the unending pile of money he owes me. Thanks to my people, the 2 of us may be able to tolerate each other, and I may not need to end every day with a xanax or a glass of wine just so he can continue existing on this side of the ground and I can stay out of maximum security housing.