To be a smart ass, you must first be smart.

To be a smart ass, you must first be smart.

I’m slightly addicted to social media. I have a lot of friends who have been doing social media fasts and seem to love them. Me, I wouldn’t even attempt it. To be fair, social media is kind of a requirement of my job and volunteer work, so it’s not exactly feasible to quit it anyway. Besides, we all know quitting social media is the grown up version of running away. We know you’ll be back.

Because of my job, and my volunteer work, it’s definitely prudent that I remain as neutral as humanly possible, so as not to alienate everyone. I mean, what good is a morning show girl who nobody will listen to? I stay out of the Facebook drama as much as I can. By that I mean, I see it, I screenshot it, and I send it privately to my friends where we discuss the stupidity of it, rather than commenting directly on it and opening that can of worms. I failed at that yesterday.

Love it or hate it, the most recent election, and the results of it have created some intense feelings. It seems either you love the outcome, or you don’t; there’s no middle ground. I love the outcome, but not for the reason you’re thinking. Political activism, people FINALLY stepping up and caring. That’s why I love the outcome of the past year. Gone are the days where people just sit back and say “Meh…my vote doesn’t matter anyway, so why bother.”

People care. People are passionate AF about their opinions. Those opinions are spreading like wildfire on social media. I volunteer with the American Cancer Society Cancer Action Network, a non-partisan group that works to make sure cancer related things are a priority with lawmakers. Currently, our biggest concern is making sure people with cancer have access to affordable health care. It’s not just us though. Every major health organization in the country wants to ensure the citizens of this country have access to adequate and affordable health care.

Yesterday, a friend of mine posted a video to her timeline showing some political activism regarding health care. It was met with the typical ignorance of “Where in the constitution does it say we get free healthcare?” That’s where my reason went out the window. This isn’t about free healthcare. The person who asked that question surprisingly backed down when presented with facts and logic. The private message that came from another individual was not so pleasant.

In their screaming capital letters, the message I received from someone I don’t even know read “WHY DOSE EVERYONE THINK THERE’S SOMETHING WRONG WITH A HEALTH PLAN THAT HASN’T EVEN BEEN WRITTEN?”

Ok genius, I’ll play. The health care plan has been written, and that’s how we even know about it. The House wrote it approximately a month ago. They voted to exempt themselves from it, and then they passed it. From there, it went to the Senate. They revised it behind closed doors and released their 142 page version of it last week. Then they spent some time revising it over the weekend, and tried to drum up enough Republican support to pass it. They couldn’t, because as written, it’s a horrible plan. They don’t have the support from their own party for their plan. They don’t have the support of 81% of American citizens for their plan. Rather than face defeat, they chose to postpone the vote on their plan until after the July 4 recess.  By the way, just a little friendly advice, you mean “Why does everyone,” not “why dose everyone.” I do truly hope you don’t have to use your mastery of our country’s primary language to stay on the north side of the wall you’re so excited about, because it’s not looking so good for you right now.

This person responded with a more than a few 4 letter words and called me everything but a white woman. I don’t think they were all that thrilled with my comment about them ending up on the south side of the wall based on their mastery of the English language, even though they are in fact a citizen born and bred, but I had to laugh at their final attempt to insult me. It’s laughable, because if they knew me at all, they’d know, this was a nearly impossible task.

“Just go back to pretending your funny green haired radio dj, and stay out of politics. Nobody needs your smart ass opinion, and nobody likes it anyway. Your dumb.”

Again with the proving of my point. You meant to use you’re instead of your in both instances in that sentence. I strongly suggest you take some refresher courses on grammar before that border wall is completed. I’d hate to see you stuck on the south side of it. Just a friendly reminder, in order to be a smart ass, one must first be smart. Thanks for the compliment. Have a fantastic day.

It was at this point that they realized insulting me was a pointless attempt. After assuming I called them a dumbass and once again calling me every name in the book, they were silent after I responded “If you’ll look back through our conversation, I simply suggested you might benefit from a refresher course in grammar, and said ‘in order to be a smart ass, one must first be smart.’ I’m sorry you don’t feel as if you fit in that category. Thanks again for the compliment. Have a great day.”

You’ll have to try a lot harder than that to get one up on me. I mean, I’ll play nice or ignore it when it’s a public conversation, but if you want to attack me personally in private, the gloves are off. Thanks for playing.

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Some things are better left unsaid, but I’ll probably say them anyway

Some things are better left unsaid, but I’ll probably say them anyway

I was the very definition of lazy on Sunday. To be fair, I haven’t had a weekend free since the end of May, so I feel like it’s a little justified. I slept in (if you can call 7am sleeping in), binge watched the last 4 episodes of season 3 of Younger, and finally got in the shower at 2pm. I was laying in my room letting my insanely naturally curly hair air dry when one of my very best friends texted and asked if I wanted to go grab coffee.

I briefly considered telling her I needed about an hour so I could blow dry and straighten the green mess on my head, but instead opted to go the “throw in some smoother and head out the door” route. I let the natural curl take control instead of straightening it. I’ll pay for that later this week, because I can get 8 days out of straight hair, and the curly mess is good for 2 at best. Still, coffee with the bestie tops a nap and straight hair every single time.

After we left, I stopped at another store before heading to work. While shopping, I heard a lady say “Wow! I didn’t expect that hair to belong to a white woman.” In true “speak before you think” fashion, my response was simply “Stick around a little while and you’ll probably hear a vocabulary you wouldn’t expect from a woman too.” I probably shouldn’t have said that…but then she shouldn’t have either, and I should get points for not using any sentence enhancers whatsoever in my response. Truth be told, I probably couldn’t have used them anyway. I was too busy trying not to laugh as I pictured her thinking to herself exactly what I would have in that situation: “Oh shit, I said that out loud didn’t I?!”

Dear younger me:

Dear younger me:

Ali Dudley has a photography page I follow on Facebook. She’s photographed the weddings of a few of my friends, and does an absolutely amazing job. My favorite thing about her though, is the private, girls only boudoir group she also has. It seems as if boudoir photo shoots are the thing right now, but it’s not like it’s the kind of thing most girls want to have out there where anyone can see it. Ali’s boudoir page is ridiculously amazing. It’s a completely judgement free zone where she posts the most amazing pictures ever. They’re completely tasteful, and allow the women in the group, particularly those who have photos of themselves posted, to see themselves the way everyone else does, as opposed to the way we often see ourselves. It’s a place where women see their strengths, rather than their imperfections and weaknesses.

Today, in her boudoir group, she asked this question: If you could go back and say something to your younger self, what would you say? Of course I answered the question in the group, but there are LOTS of things I would say to my younger self. This is in no way a complete list, but here are some of the things that come to mind:

  • You really should listen to your dad’s advice about an IRA. He knows what he’s talking about. $20 from every paycheck as a teenager is nothing, and it’s even less as an adult. Do you have any idea what that compounds to over your lifetime?! (Sidenote….I spent that money and then some on CDs…of the musical variety, not the investing type. I still wish I had listened to my dad!)
  • Don’t take that first sip of Diet Coke. Quitting it is a bitch. You’ll fail over and over and over and over and over…
  • Tanning is a HORRIBLE thing to do to your skin. You already have risk factors for skin cancer with the fair skin that burns easily and the blue eyes. Do you really want to increase the melanoma risk by 75%?
  • That month long stint with anorexia is stupid. Don’t do it.
  • On that note, the first time you think “I’ll just throw up” please slap yourself and don’t do it. That mentality is something you’ll deal with for the rest of your damn life. I’m not kidding when I say you will struggle with it every single day for the rest of forever.
  • Some people will never see you as anything more than an option. Stop making those people a priority.
  • You will never get Sitka, or the people you met there out of your system. You won’t want to either; it’s the most beautiful place you’ll ever be, and the people are second to none.
  • People will always judge you. Don’t let guilt from them, or fear of judgement stop you from doing the things that you think will make you happy. Their opinions don’t matter.
  • If it doesn’t nourish your soul (or your hair), cut it the hell out of your life.
  • Stop being so guarded. Your walls are absolutely insane. The chances of finding someone who will even attempt to break through that are slim to none. It’s ok to be a little vulnerable. Sure, that boy may break your heart, but what if he doesn’t?
  • Raising a kid by yourself is the hardest thing you’ll ever have to do. It’s perfectly fine to use the occasional glass of wine as you cry to yourself in the shower to cope with it. Don’t feel guilty about the sailor vocabulary either. This shit is hard, sometimes swearing helps, and people who say any different don’t have a damn clue.
  • That kid will crush your spirit at least weekly, and sometimes every single day. It’s perfectly OK to hate him sometimes, as long as you don’t tell him that you do.
  • You don’t blame your doctors for the steps they had to take to save your life, so stop being so hard on yourself for the life you get to live after that.
  • It’s perfectly acceptable to say no to people. You can’t do everything for everyone. It’s like the safety videos on the airplane; take care of yourself before you help others.
  • You will LOVE every single thing about CrossFit. When your life gets so crazy that you can’t fit it in your schedule anymore, cut something else out instead.
  • Your parents will get divorced when you’re 16. Your world WILL come crashing down around you. It happens. Don’t let that make you be afraid to love someone. It shouldn’t be something you’re scared of.
  • Believe in yourself.
  • Finally, trust me on this one; even though they’ve let you down every single other season, at the beginning of the 2013/2014 NFL season, make sure you ALWAYS bet on the Seahawks. This will pay off in a big way.
Teenagers are so F***ing stupid!

Teenagers are so F***ing stupid!

I was at a huge work event this weekend when I received a phone call from my teenager. He managed to find a ride out of town for, well, I don’t have any idea for how long. I literally have NO idea when he’ll show back up to continue to destroy my house and eat everything contained in the 4 barely standing walls. (Ok, barely standing is a bit of an exaggeration, but the fact remains that he destroys nearly everything his entitled ass touches, and my house is proof positive of this.)

“Mom, I need my social security number for a rewards card at Buckle.”

Um….yeah, that’s a big no from me. We had a forever long argument about me NOT giving him his social security number for a “rewards card” at the Buckle. Really, it was probably less than 3 minutes, but it felt like an eternity. He was pissed that I didn’t believe his excuse that they needed his ID and social security number to prove that he was 18. He was even more annoyed when I told him “I may have been born at night, but it wasn’t last night.” He was further annoyed that he couldn’t buy his girlfriend the Rock Revival jeans she wanted because I was being a bitch and wouldn’t let him have his social security number. The phone call ended with him saying “It’s my social security number, so just text it to me already.”

I’m not sure who hung up on who, because I’m almost certain we both ended the call at about the same time, both positive that we “won” that argument. I never did text him his social security number. I’ll blame it on spotty reception, when I know damn well that I had better reception than anybody at that event. (Thanks Verizon!)

He’ll probably “punish” me for not helping him buy a $200 pair of jeans with his “rewards card” by not coming home or telling me where he is for a couple of days longer than he planned on. The benefit for that is twofold though. I get a quiet house, at least until his prepaid phone plan runs out on the 28th of this month and he has no choice but to make some sort of contact begging for renewal, and he doesn’t have a store credit card with payments for a stupid pair of jeans that will last longer than his relationship.

Teenagers are absolute idiots, and stores that prey on this by convincing them that they need “rewards cards” that are actually credit cards are even bigger assholes than said teenagers. I was beyond grateful that my kid didn’t know his own social security number, because otherwise, I’m sure he would have gone on a shopping spree his unemployed self has NO way of paying off.  With any luck, before he realizes that he no longer NEEDS my permission before he does something like that, he’ll also realize that despite what he thinks, his mom is actually pretty damn intelligent, and knows what she’s talking about. I highly doubt that though, because teenagers, especially mine, are just so f***ing stupid sometimes.

 

There’s someone for everyone, I suppose

There’s someone for everyone, I suppose

The 16gb of storage my ancient phone has is simply not enough. To be fair, that was a fantastic amount of storage when I bought my Samsung Galaxy S5 for $1 on amazon a few years ago, but it just isn’t cutting it anymore, and I’m REALLY not loving the fact that I can’t keep my carrier, who I’ve been with for 15 years and don’t plan on changing any time ever, and get a new phone without paying the full nearly $800 cost for it. I was perfectly happy paying $200 up front and maintaining service for 2 years, but then a bunch of “I have to have the latest technology and I don’t care how you trick me in to paying more for it” millennials screwed the system up for everyone. Now we all pay more because mobile service providers, and equipment manufacturers realized that the majority of people are idiots who don’t care how much they pay for something as long as nobody has something better than them.

Anyway, I digress. I need to clear up some memory and that means dumping some of the screenshots I’ve saved up, including the notables, weirdos, and creeps on Tinder.  This is where I was going before I got distracted by the blatant rip of that is “you can upgrade your phone as often as you want, as long as you’ve paid off at least 50% of it.” So, without further adeiu, and in their original crappy grammar, here’s the latest offerings of  Utah Tinder.

  • Prajval, 32: will not try to come up with something funny to please a girl who “likes to travel, volunteer, and drink; and wants to go on an adventure” and would probably swipe left based on the color of my skin. But, well, haven’t gotten laid in a few months now so here I am. (Call me crazy, but I’m pretty sure insinuating automatic racial bias is a pretty surefire way to NOT hook up with someone.)
  • Adam, 31: I’m an ass model. But I’m taking a break.
  • Victor, 41: Just looking to have a one night stand! Love eating….(Well you get the idea, so I won’t elaborate, or finish his sentence. All aboard the STD express!)
  • Evan, 35: I’m an atheist looking for a nice Mormon girl
  • Jeremy, 32: Let’s have a ‘Who’s Better In Bed’ contest. You’ll probably end up a sore loser. (Well Jeremy….that’s a fine way to just come right out and say IDGAF about you as long as I’m enjoying it, and also…I’ve never heard of lube.)
  • Mario, 37: I have a proprietary blend of essential oils that will knock your socks off. I’m also pretty average at paper rock scissors. (Look, they’re not all creeps on Tinder. This dude knows how to play to his MLM loving audience in Utah!)
  • “I’m a local business man interested in some very discreet mutually beneficial hookups.” (Dude, this one was in my hometown. I’ve been racking my brain for weeks trying to figure out who this is! Not because I want the mutually beneficial business, but because inquiring minds want to know! This is a small freaking town!)
  • But the piece de resistance…the “Holy shit, am I really seeing this” would be this one. I have to include the picture to prove that I’m not making this crap up!

Screenshot_2017-06-01-21-18-58-1

COUPLE SEEKING A THIRD. Hi we are Alex and Megan and we are nationally touring musicians looking for women (and men) to join us for fun in the bedroom. We are on tour in the Western US so if you see our profile we are in your area. We are fun, relaxed, and open, 420 and alcohol friendly. We tour in a camper van so you would have to host. We’d love to meet cool people that we can also have adult fun with. (What the actual attempted F*ck?!)

This is real life. I’m not a prude by any means, but even I’m baffled by some of these. Next time someone asks me “Why aren’t you dating anyone, you’re such a sweetheart,” I’m just going to hand them my phone and tell them to swipe away. On second thought, the majority of the people who ask me that question are a little too sheltered for what they’d discover if I opened Tinder and handed my phone to them, so maybe that’s not a good idea.

There’s someone for everyone, I suppose, although somehow I think these Tinder gems have a far better chance of finding their brand of weirdos than anyone else does. At least they’re out there for entertainment purposes…

Enough with the unsolicited d*ck pics already

Enough with the unsolicited d*ck pics already

I’ve often been asked “Are you sure you’re not a dude?” This is mostly due to the fact that my sense of humor is more suited to that of a 15-26 year old boy than that of a 37-year-old girl, but whatever. I get the way guys think…most of the time. Sometimes though, the way guys think (or actually don’t think) confuses the ever-loving hell out of me.

Three times last week I opened pictures in snap chat that turned out to be completely NSFW. Three times last week I blocked people from my snap chat, because as much as I like to interact with people who listen to me on the radio, the last thing I want to do is open a notification on my phone and see all 3 inches of your little guy standing at full attention. Yeah, I know, I’m sure it’s bigger than that, but I’m not sorry that I’m insulting your size after your misguided judgement made you think it was a good idea to send it to me.

Look, I get it. It’s a complete double standard as far as the sending unsolicited pictures of body parts thing goes. Unsolicited boob pictures (not that I send them) are far more acceptable and welcome than an unsolicited picture of some random dude’s junk. It sucks, but that’s apparently the way it is. But for real guys, stop it. If you’re the dude who thinks it’s hilariously funny to send those pictures to random people, just know, they’re being shared with friends who judge you right along with the person you sent them to.

Here’s the deal, if she’s seen what you’re packing in your pants before, or has expressed even the slightest bit of desire to see it, you’re probably safe sending the picture. If not though, just know that your little captain winky is now fodder for jokes among the girls, and when it comes to jokes about things of this nature, we’re unrelenting.

It’s not you, it’s not me, it’s US.

It’s not you, it’s not me, it’s US.

“When you break up with someone you’re dating, how do you do it?” That’s the question a good friend of mine asked me the other day.

My shocked response was simply, “OMG, I love you for assuming I’m the one doing the breaking up!” I also love this person for assuming I’m finding myself in relationships that aren’t complete figments of my imagination as well, although if I was in one of these imaginary relationships with Gerard Butler or Bradley Cooper, I wouldn’t be the one ending that either.

In short, I was absolutely no help. None whatsoever. I mean, if you were cheated on, abused, ignored, they suddenly decided they didn’t like your gender anymore, or have completely wretched taste in professional sports teams, I’m full of ways to end that relationship. Some are more “legal” than others, but I have all kinds of ideas to end THOSE relationships. *note* I really haven’t suggested (out loud, to other people) ANY illegal ways to end relationships, nor do I condone them, but holy jeez, some of those ideas are entertaining!

Seriously though, some food for thought: when you get to the point in a relationship where it needs to end, why is it that it always needs to be somebody’s “fault”?  When you realize that neither one of you are progressing anymore, and it’s not going to happen while you’re still a couple, how do you end things without assigning blame? And why is it that someone always seems to have to be at fault? How do you end a relationship when you’re not the problem, and they’re not the problem, but together, you’re both the problem?