As I was checking the weather today, I noticed that there’s a 55% chance of precipitation in my tiny little corner of the world today. The chances of precipitation on my face are much higher than that.
I haven’t cried in 6 months. I don’t think I’m some heartless, soulless, asshole though; I mean, there’s some things that have made me tear up a little bit, but nothing that I’ve actually cried about. I’m talking tears on cheeks crying. It hasn’t happened. No tears have slipped out of their home in my eyeballs in 6 months. I see that coming to an end today.
I’ve had to swear off Facebook and my mail box for the last couple of days (the mailbox for the last couple of weeks) because as my inner mini skirt and ugg boot wearing, unicorn frappuccino drinking, hipster millennial girl would say “I just can’t even.” My Facebook is clear full of posts about graduation, memories of graduation, and last day of school celebrations, and I am beyond happy for them. I’m ridiculously happy for them, and insanely proud of these kids and what they’ve accomplished, but I just can’t even. (Yeah…it’s another graduation post. Deal with it.)
I just can’t even, because today is a day I should be looking forward to. I SHOULD be sitting in bleachers, surrounded by my friends and family, crying happy tears as my kid walks across the field and shakes hands with the administration, receives his diploma, and flips that tassel from the right side of his graduation cap to the left along with the rest of his class. I should be leaning over to my friend whose daughter is also graduating and making a comment about how much we wish this sweltering hot graduation would end so we can celebrate with a bloody mary. I should be listening to the dreadful Halls Of Uintah song, and I should be smiling through the tears as I watch these kids answer for one final time “Hey Uintah, how do you feel?”
As the last year has passed, I knew I was going to have to deal with this day, but I didn’t expect it to be so freaking hard! I didn’t expect to be upset about this. I mean, it’s not like it’s the end of the world. My kid dropped out of high school. Tons of kids drop out of high school, but I honestly feel like the little brat stole this experience from me. He’s my only child, but not only that, he’s the only child I’ll ever have. He’s my one and only chance to prove I’m not a complete failure as a parent, and THIS is like the ultimate test. Did your kid graduate high school? Yes..yay you! No..Good hell, you suck as a parent. That’s how it feels…I suck as a parent. He was the only chance I had to sit with the other parents and breathe a collective sigh of relief as those caps get tossed in the air and we know we helped our kids get through the easiest part of their lives.
I’ll probably cry at some point today, because I’ve been fighting the tears for a week. I fought them as our softball team played their hearts out yesterday for a second place state finish. I fought them as my neighbor’s daughter, and a friend’s daughter both graduated with nursing degrees before they graduated high school. I fight them every time I open a graduation announcement from yet another friend’s child. I’ll fight them as long as I can today, but I’m guessing in 3 short hours as the commencement ceremonies for the Uintah High School class of 2017 begin, or some time after that, I’m going to lose that fight.
I’ll lose that fight against the tears, because being an adult is hard enough WITH a high school diploma and some direction in life. In addition to feeling like this child of mine stole this graduation experience from me, without it, his life is just going to be even harder. I hate that things will be even harder for him than they have to be, and I hate that I can’t fix it. But mostly, I hate that without a doubt, today will have been a total waste of mascara, and I haven’t had one of those in 6 months.