On asking for what you want

On asking for what you want

I’ve seen no less than 20 of my friends, and friends of friends post a variation of this meme in the last 3 days alone on Facebook and Instagram. For the most part, I love you all, but really?! Do we have to go there with the passive aggressive “what all girls want” post? Here it is…

15 things every girl wants from her guy but won’t ask for

  1. Good morning and Good night texts
  2. Pictures taken together
  3. Surprises, especially little ones
  4. Visiting and bringing her favorite food
  5. A hoodie with his scent on it
  6. Really long hugs
  7. Slow dances
  8. Sincere compliments
  9. Sing her favorite song, even if it’s out of tune
  10. Make her feel special
  11. Real, deep conversations
  12. Nonsense, but funny conversations too
  13. His “gentlemanliness”
  14. Comfort and patience when she’s in tears
  15. Telling her how much you love her.

Did I miss the part where as women, we aren’t allowed to just come out and ask for what we want in a relationship? I mean, every single one of the people I have seen share this lately are in a long-term relationship. EVERY. SINGLE. ONE. So….what’s with the passive aggressive posting? Why not just tell your guy whatever the hell it is you need to be happy in your relationship?

Newsflash….guys aren’t mind readers, and they aren’t going to pick up on your “subtle” Facebook post. If you want his hoodie, steal it from him, and give it back when it doesn’t smell like him anymore, but if you really want the rest of that stuff, you may just need to communicate it. And while you’re at it, maybe ask him what he wants too and reciprocate. But while we’re on that…maybe ALL girls don’t want their guy to slow dance and take pictures. Some of us don’t want you ruining our favorite song by singing it out of tune, and would be perfectly happy if you just pull our hair, touch our butt (among other things), and eat tacos with us. But then, what do I really know about relationships? I’m the eternally single one, and y’all are married or spoken for…so maybe the passive aggressive thing is really what works these days…

 

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On what it’s REALLY like being a parent

On what it’s REALLY like being a parent

High school health classes are REALLY missing the boat on the whole preventing teen pregnancy by sending students home for the weekend with a robot baby thing. Yeah, it’s annoying to have to wake up and feed, change, or play with the robo-baby, but that’s all over with in 2 or 3 days, and you’re back to life as normal. Do you want to really give your children an idea what it’s like to be a parent? Skip the robo-baby and give them a toddler who hasn’t napped in 3 days, an 8-year-old who just lost screen time privileges, a pre-teen ball of hormones, or a teenager who thinks they’re entitled to EVERYTHING, and has the attitude to go along with it. You want to teach kids what it’s like to be a parent before they’re a parent? Those are all better options than a baby robot. Scar them for life with some real parenting obstacles.

Here is a much more accurate depiction of what it’s really like to be a parent. Imagine you’re drowning, and you see someone headed your direction in a boat, and you think you’re being rescued. The boat stops and they throw you a life-preserver. You catch it, relieved for a split second until you realize it’s made of concrete, and the people in the boat aren’t even looking back while you just keep on continuing to tread water. Then you just repeat that for the rest of forever.

The one where Hell ALMOST froze over….but not really

The one where Hell ALMOST froze over….but not really

There was a conversation in my office the other day about how Millennials take longer than previous generations to accomplish major life milestones. For instance, they’re waiting longer to get married, have children, buy homes, that sort of thing. The argument was that Millennials are spending more time and placing more value on education than previous generations, and while that may be true, I think it has more to do with the fact that getting married, having children, and buying a home cost so much more freaking money than they did in previous generations.

When I interrupted the conversation to point out that the Milllenial making these observations was married before he could even legally purchase alcohol, I was countered with “Well how old were you the first time someone proposed to you?” First things first….I am not a Millennial, and secondly, technically…I was last month years old, which is still WAY past when Millennials are typically getting married.

A few months ago, some incredibly intelligent, college educated professionals asked me to take part in a little project with them. Of course I was happy to join the cool kids, because this sort of thing was definitely my cup of tea. Why they thought I was even on the same level as them was completely baffling, but hey, it was a chance to hang with the cool kids, who for some reason thought I had something to offer in this project.

Fast forward to the end of our project. We were all at dinner last month when we realized that the results for this shindig were still far from being complete, and the restaurant closed 30 minutes ago, so we moved our little soiree to the hotel lobby. As it got later, we were all sitting around on our phones when out of the blue this happened:

Party A: Hey, if “highly improbable result” happens, we are getting married. Like tonight.
Me (in my head): Well…we are in a hotel. Maybe we should test drive the car first.
Me (out loud): OK! Twist my rubber arm.
Party A: laughs
Party B: I get to be the best man!!
Party C: I guess that makes me the maid of honor.
All: laughter all around

Obviously it’s too hot in Utah in the summer for Hell to freeze over, which is an event that’s almost certain to happen before I get married, so that shotgun wedding was out of the question. I mean there was also the fact that the highly improbable result we were looking for didn’t happen either, so Party A dodged a bullet, although if Party C has any say in the matter, not permanently…

Have you tried online dating?

Have you tried online dating?

“You’re such a nice girl, and so involved in the community. It’s not like you’re sitting at home hiding from the boys. I don’t know why someone hasn’t just snatched you up yet. Have you tried online dating?”

Ahh….married people….don’t you just love them? No, I’m not just sitting at home hiding from the boys, but given what seems to be out there, I might be better off that way. Yes, I’m sure I’m not a lesbian too. Yes, it’s because I like boys far too much, but it’s also because I don’t really see the need to be shot down by two genders. As to the question of “have you tried online dating?” Holy shit, why didn’t I think of that?! Of course I’ve tried online dating. I mean I haven’t for a while, but I can tell you, I am THE BEST at getting friend-zoned when it comes to online dating.  I mean, I have no complaints about that; these guys are some of the coolest people I know. Still, after my sweet married friend who simply can’t believe how I’m still single asked the question, I had to take a look again today. May I present to you the viable “options” in online dating today…
PhotoGrid_1529967496640.jpgThanks, but no thanks. I think I’d rather submit my application to become a nun…. Ok, not really on that whole “get thee to a nunnery” bit. I’m gonna take a hard pass on celibacy, but in the infamous words of Ms. Cher Horowitz, “You see how picky I am about my shoes, and they only go on my feet.”

 

“You need to reduce the stress in your life”

“You need to reduce the stress in your life”

My eye has been twitching for the better part of the last week. It’s been driving me absolutely insane, so I called my doctor to chat about it. After a brief conversation, he told me I need to start killing the stupid people and get massages on the regular. I mean, his exact words were “reduce the stress in your life” but I think we all know what he really meant by that.

I told him there were 3 ways I could see to reduce the stress in my life right now. One of them would be to quit my career and just focus on the morning job, which isn’t possible because then I pick up the super fun “I can’t pay my own bills” stress. And of the other two, one of them is illegal in this state, and the other is a bit immoral (this part isn’t the problem) and requires a willing second party (but this part is), so both of those options are out the window too. He laughed, I laughed, and then he offered to refill my xanax prescription so I can at least shut my brain down enough to go to sleep at night, because he correctly assumed that I am also not sleeping.

This is why I can’t change doctors…like ever….because this one gets what I need before I have to ask for it. And because next time I see him, he’ll probably jokingly ask if my method of relieving stress required a decent defense attorney that he may need to forward my medical records to.

What’s it like inside your head?

What’s it like inside your head?

I often have no filter. The thoughts in my head find their way out of my mouth and people react with shock, laughter, a questioning shake of the head, or prayers for my soul. Today was no exception when I was asked “what’s it like inside your head?”

My response, as I was drinking my Simply Balanced sparkling grapefruit water from Target: well, I need to go to Target this weekend, because if I don’t go this weekend the next time I have free time for a weekend in SLC is the weekend of July 14th. One of my friends sent me a snap of her daughter asking how I liked her Ana braids, and even though I have NEVER seen the movie Frozen in its entirety, now the song “Do You Want to Build a Snowman” is stuck in my head, except the words are “do you want to go to Target.”

They looked at me, blinked, and then said “Wow, that’s not what I expected to hear.” I’m pretty sure they won’t be asking what it’s like in my head again, because the truth is, sometimes it’s just a hot mess.

Women’s healthcare: Keep your policy out of my…well, you know.

Women’s healthcare: Keep your policy out of my…well, you know.

Can somebody please explain to me why you can walk in to ANY pharmacy anywhere in the country and buy Plan B immediately, over the counter, without a prescription, BUT God forbid you want a refill on your Diflucan and you’re out of them, AND the prescription hasn’t been filled in over a year. No…then you need to wait around ALL day to see if your doctor’s office called one in, which they didn’t so now, thanks to your shitty HDHP, you have to make an appointment (or stop in to an urgent care clinic), pay $30-230, depending on how they bill it, sit around for an hour, most likely in one of those drop dead sexy open back gowns, only to have a PA tell you “Yep, here’s your prescription.” AND THEN you get to pay for the prescription on top of that.

Female anatomy is such bullshit sometimes. Seriously, all of the fun things in life have the potential to wreak havoc on you. You want to soak in a hot bath after blowing a whole wad of cash on bath bombs at Lush , go for a run, hit the hot tub, maybe have a little fun with someone, go for a run again in the morning, then slip in to your favorite skinny jeans for the day? There’s a prescription for that, and you’re going to want it, because the OTC treatment for the perfect combination of relaxing/enjoyable weekends is a joke.

Anatomically speaking, there’s no doubt guys have it easier when it comes to healthcare. As far as it goes for the ladies, you can buy Plan B over the counter, but you need a prescription for Diflucan. THIS is exactly how you know that ALL of the rules governing women’s healthcare were made up by a man. It kinda makes you want to just tell them to stay the hell out of your lady business doesn’t it? Except, what would be the fun in that? 😉